Everybody loves a fairytale ending, but soaps, much like life, don’t often have a happy ending. And it’s looking more and more likely that someone on the canvas might have a very unhappy ending. A Beyond the Gates commentary by Soap Central founder Dan J Kroll for the week ending September 4, 2026.
Boy meets girl. Life happens and boy and girl are pulled apart. Life continues to happen, but boy and girl are reunited and everyone lives happily ever after. That plot device might work in rom-coms and animated fairytales, but in the real world? Yeah, not so much. On the soaps? Definitely not.
On a soap, happy couples are often called boring couples. No one wants to watch a couple argue over leaving socks on the bathroom floor. That’s not good soap. And having a couple remain happy and drama-free isn’t much better.
It’s a paradoxical relationship that fans have with their stories. They watch day after day to see their favorite couple fall in love, all the while knowing that doing so could be the end of that pair’s screentime. Soap writers have often come to the conclusion that happy couples have no story and summarily written those couples out. Others have decided that happy couples need more drama and excitement and… insert former lover, unknown child, incurable disease, or some other soapy trope here.
It’s not just happy couples that have expiration dates. Villains do, too. And so do innocent bystanders.
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Heather Armstrong: Everything Everywhere All At Once
I suppose it should come as no surprise that the guy who holed up in a hotel room for months and didn’t try to save his marriage would also give terrible advice to others. I honestly have no idea what Ted was trying to say when he encouraged Andre to give Heather what she wanted. Sir, what?! He then followed it up with a verbal asterisk that advised Andre not to do anything that would be against his marriage vows.
Sir, what?!
Heather wants to have sex with Andre. Using Ted logic, Andre should… have sex with Heather in a way that doesn’t go against his wedding vows. If this was possible, I suspect that a whole lot of people would be signing up for Ted’s Ted Talk on faithful infidelity.
Heatherton? Carleather?
Whether or not Andre gives into temptation remains to be seen. Heather, on the other hand (the one that she didn’t cut with a knife), got her itch scratched by someone other than Andre. I am not sure if there was more to it than that. Is Heather looking to date? Did she know who Carlton was even though she claimed not to? Let’s face it: Heather is incredibly crafty and seems to always be two or three moves ahead of everyone else.
It’s entirely possible that she recognized Carlton and saw getting close to him as a way to further her agenda. Carlton had absolutely no idea who he was, um, messing with. I’m not sure that it would have mattered. Even after Nicole told him that Heather was Joey’s sister and Andre issued a warning about dealing with someone with the last name “Armstrong,” Carlton remained unconcerned.
Part of me immediately thought “Well, then you get what you deserve.” I mean, two people warned him to be careful. To be fair, Nicole’s opinion could be seen as biased for a number of reasons. Her lack of trust in Joey and perhaps not wanting to see Carlton move on with another woman so soon are just two that come to mind. Still, it reminded me of something that happened many moons ago. A friend asked if the bunny I had at the time bit. I warned that she did. The friend laughed and attempted to pet the bunny. You have probably already figured out that the rabbit bit my friend and they were shocked that they’d gotten bit. It’s not like I didn’t warn them.
Kill ‘Em With Kindness
I do believe that Carlton might be barreling toward danger even if he believes that Heather is “soft and delicate.” Actually, it’s probably because he believes that. He is completely unaware that the call is coming from inside the house.
It’s not just him. Heather is able to hide in plain sight because she’s a seemingly an unassuming white woman of a certain age. Heather is right: Everyone automatically assumes that the Impaler has to be a man. Look at tea-spilling June. She pretty much told Heather everything that she needs to know in order to get close to those that are threatening her Impire (that’s my cute attempt at combining Impaler and Empire). Thanks to June, I am now worried about the safety of half the characters on the show. There are also a couple that I think are in danger, but I don’t necessary spend my days worrying about them. Sorry, Grayson.
Aside from the fact that June did not hear me screaming on the other side of the television for her to shut up, the June/Heather scenes were so good. Ashley Jones has really been able to breathe life into the words that appear on the pages of her script. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never seen her in a role like Heather or if she is just choosing to go all-in on a juicy character, but this is by far the best work of Jones’ career.
Impaler or Imposter?
As a random aside, something came up in a conversation that I had on social media. After watching Heather slice her hand, I tweeted that Heather was “cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” Among the replies was one from Louisa Nuckolls who said, “And yet, there are still people who don’t believe that she’s The Impaler.” That got me thinking. Up until that point, we didn’t really have any proof that Heather was the Impaler. She said she was. Joey believed she was. But where was the hard proof? That would have left the door open for Heather to just be a delusional wannabe.
Later in the week, though, Heather was on the phone discussing how red market operations across the country were falling apart. That seemed to squash that theory like a bug. Then I got to thinking again. Yeah, I know. I’ve done way too much thinking this week. We also saw Lia and Ren talking on phones and neither one of them were the big boss. So maybe there is still some wiggle room to un-Impale Heather if needed.
Of course, there is also the possibility that Heather will be impaled… shot, stabbed, bludgeoned, or offed in some other way. I’ve spent so much time fixated on who Heather might kill next that I almost didn’t even think about the possibility that Heather might be the one to meet her maker. If Heather’s secret alter ego becomes public, there are quite a few Fairmont Crestors that might want to see her “pay.” And if Heather keeps doing naughty things, that list of suspects could grow by the time any murder might happen.
Kill Bill: The Extended Cut
There is only one suspect in the Kill Bill saga: Hayley. I know that a lot of viewers are ready for this slow-acting poison storyline to wrap up, but I’m enjoying it. One of the things I am enjoying most is watching Hayley have to fix her face when she prematurely celebrates Bill’s death. This woman has just one thing on her wish list – and the universe is conspiring to make sure she never gets it.
I was absolutely convinced that Bill’s collapse – excuse me: Wee-Bill’s wobble until he fell down – was some sort of plot on his part. I thought maybe he wanted to see what Hayley would do if she found him unconscious on the ground. In my head, I expected Hayley to call Randy and tell him the “good” news while still hovering near Bill’s body. The camera would zoom in on Bill’s face and reveal him opening his eyes.
Then I remembered that we saw Bill with fuzzy vision before his collapse, so there went the theory that he was on to Hayley’s antics. On top of that, I guess he really didn’t have any reason to make the leap from “Hayley is cheating on me” to “Hayley is trying to kill me.”
Little Miss Can Go Wrong
Still, Hayley is sloppy. She seems to be using a traditional text message program on her phone to message Randy. If there were ever any questions surrounding Bill’s death, Hayley would be the first person the police investigated. It’s almost always the spouse. She’s made some questionably timed calls and sending “it’s done done” the minute Bill supposedly dropped dead is not the best look for a not guilty plea.
On top of that, Randy showing up at Bill and Hayley’s house was also not a smart move. I don’t care that he took the bike path and managed to evade all of the security cameras. Randy seems like the kind of guy who takes pride in his appearance, so I’d imagine he wears some sort of scented body spray or cologne. Bill easily could have smelled his presence when he returned home unexpectedly.
Also: If Hayley doesn’t want to be caught poisoning Bill, why does she always seem to lace his food and beverage options in public places? For example, when she doused his sandwich – that Naomi later ate – with poison, why did she wait until she got back to Bill’s office to do the deed? Wouldn’t it have been better to do it in her car before getting back to the office? Or, if she walked, in the park?
There’s An App For That
It looks like Hayley might finally be able to permanently tuck her bottle of poison into her bosom. Thanks to Bill’s sudden realization that he forgot to register his pacemaker to the pacemaker app, I suspect there might be some new high-tech way for Hayley to try to off her husband.
Back in 2007, the U.S. government feared that malicious actors could hack into Vice President Dick Cheney’s pacemaker and kill him. The FDA says there has never been a documented case of someone hijacking a pacemaker’s wireless signal for nefarious purposes, but the agency doesn’t deny that it’s possible for that to happen. Hayley might have a hacker in her con job Rolodex. If so, maybe the hacker can fiddle with the pacemaker app and zap Bill into oblivion.
Has Joey “Doug” His Own Grave?
Beyond the Gates has been very good at marking anniversaries and milestones. I suppose it’s easier when a show has only been on the air for a short time, but it’s still nice to have things acknowledged on-screen. It would have been a major oversight to not address the one-year anniversary of Doug’s death in story.
Doug McBride wasn’t a major character, but his death was still an important moment – and not just because it was the first Beyond the Gates death. Doug’s death looms large over Vanessa’s relationships with Joey and Deanna. Vanessa has rebuilt her life, unaware that the man she built it with had a hand in her late husband’s death. Vanessa’s bond with Deanna has frayed because of Vanessa’s new relationship and because Deanna misses her father terribly.
So far, Joey has managed to keep his hands-off role in Doug’s death a secret. It did not, however, take Heather very long to figure out that Joey was involved. Will she keep her brother’s secret… or is it only a matter of time before Heather blabs and blows up Joey’s world?
Plausible Deniability
We have all assumed that Joey was responsible for Doug’s death. I’m not saying that he wasn’t, but I am open to the possibility that the Beyond the Gates writers left enough of an opening to allow Joey to wiggle his way out of trouble.
Joey was in Puerto Rico with Vanessa when Doug died. We saw him make a call to have some sort of plan put into motion. Doug was plied with alcohol and developed a really bad case of double vision. Then, Marcel “helped” Doug outside. The security video from the VIP room was altered to remove any and all traces of wrongdoing.
This is where the wiggling begins. What if Marcel simply put Doug in his car and told him to drive home? Still a horrible thing to do, but not the murderous theory that I know I initially crafted in my head. Or what if Marcel went rogue and went above and beyond what Joey had initially planned? That would mean that Joey hasn’t really been lying when he’s insisted that he didn’t have Doug killed. And, there is always the possibility that Doug isn’t really dead… but that’s a whole other can of worms.
Pouring Some Down the Throat For The Homie
We all grieve in our own way, but it was a little jarring to see Randy marking the one-year anniversary of Doug McBride dying in a DUI crash by having a bunch of drinks at the bar… and then preparing to drive. I suppose he could have been taking an Uber or the Metro, but Randy doesn’t seem like an Uber kinda guy to me.
Sandbagged
The ChelseaKat saga took another twist and it proved that you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Chelsea and Kat pulled out of the Fashion Week activities in Tokyo because of the fears that their partner has been using sweatshops to manufacture its garments. They made no statement about why they pulled out because saying anything could create a legal headache.
Now, the Internet is torching ChelseaKat for pulling out of the fashion show. Blog posts are calling the company inexperienced, rude, and all sorts of other things. They still can’t say anything about why they backed out of the event, so they just have to sort of sit back and let their reputation be tarnished.
Let’s Make This All About Me
I was in a similar situation when I sold — and ultimately resigned from — “the soap site.” I was initially not permitted to make any sort of statement about selling the web site out of concern that it could harm the business. Then the transaction became public and various sites raced to post stories about it even though the information they were reporting was incorrect. And I couldn’t say a thing.
When I made the decision to walk away from “the soap site,” I wanted to make a statement about why I was choosing to step away, but I was threatened with the possibility of legal action if anything I said could remotely be interpreted as being negative toward the new owner. So, I said nothing and watched as the Internet speculated about why I had chosen to step away. Some of the Internet sleuthing deduced that I had died or was dying. Spoiler alert: I didn’t and, by the grave of God, I’m still chugging along healthwise. Another theory was that I had gone into serious debt. My bunny does have expensive tastes, but not that expensive. One particularly wild theory that tickled me for some reason was that I really hated soaps and wanted nothing to do with them. I think writing this column, which I do just for fun, debunks that one.
Eventually, I was given some latitude to say something and I hurriedly filmed a totally unrehearsed video that is still pinned to the top of my Twitter feed.
Back To Our Program Already In Progress
The difference between DanJKroll and ChelseaKat is that “the soap site” is no longer my monkey or circus and whatever decisions are made there do not reflect on me. Chelsea and Kat are still very much involved in the handbag company and all of these negative press absolutely impacts them.
Why all this non-Beyond the Gates backstory? First, I guess it is nice to have a forum to be able to express these things. Second, it’s to show that sometimes a fictional storyline can hit differently for different groups of people. For every fan that is screaming, “Post a statement!” or “Do an IG Live and tell your story!” there is another that understands why that isn’t possible and how much it hurts to have to stay silent.
Beside, Behind, and Beyond The Gates: The Speed Round
Here are some of the thoughts and observations about other things happening on Beyond the Gates.
Making Headlines
It’s been rough watching how tortured Smitty has been by Lia’s death. He wanted so desperately to get back into work and break a big story. He was so laser-focused on exposing the big, bad Impaler that he never considered that others could be hurt by his reporting. I wonder if this will make him reconsider his decision to keep investigating the red market operation.
Articulettes 2.0
I was a little surprised when Sharon matter-of-factly told Anita that her voice was not ready for a return to the stage. I understand the concept of tough love and telling it like it is, but… somehow it still seemed a little mean. Anita laughed about it, so I guess that’s all that matters. Maybe Anita will feel a little less pressure and angst about returning now that her Articulette sisters know what she’s going through.
Tracy and Sharon also got to see something else that Anita has been dealing with: Leslie “Barbara’s daughter” Thomas. It hadn’t occurred to me that Anita would need to get Leslie’s permission to use Barbara’s voice for the re-recording of old Articulettes songs. I assumed all of that would be part of some earlier contract.
Since I had questions, I went to the Google Machine and did a little research and found that Maryland does not recognize a post-mortem right of publicity. In short, that means that the state has no law that would allow a person’s heirs or estate to sue over the commercial use of their name, image, or likeness. I am not a lawyer (and haven’t played one on TV), but that should mean that the surviving Articulettes members can use Barbara’s old vocal recordings anyway they want.
Articulettes 2.0.1
If you’re wondering, Illinois, where the group members grew up, does have a law in place, but only for people who died after 1999. Barbara obviously passed away long before that.
Maybe there is some other jurisdiction involved that I am unaware of. Of course, we live in a litigious society, so it’s likely that Leslie could have sued even without any sort of state law to bolster her claim. Whether or not a judge would allow such a lawsuit to move forward is another matter.
Leslie’s Next Big Move
Speaking of Leslie, even though her flirting with Lionel Belleclaire failed to accomplish its mission, it did open up an interesting possibility. Lionel apparently is both rich and powerful. If Leslie were to somehow become involved with him, it could make for an even more epic rivalry between her and the Duprees. Plus, it would probably annoy the hell out of Lionel’s ex, Anastasia. Sticking it to Anastasia is enough to make me want to see where things could go between Lionel and Leslie.
And one more Leslie tidbit. I find it amusing how persistent she is with wanting to be Hayley’s friend. The last time I saw someone this obsessed about making a friend was when Rose Nylund on The Golden Girls refused to accept that one of her coworkers didn’t like her. Apparently, he was the only person to ever not like Rose and she was determined to change that.
Leslie and Hayley as a scheming duo could have been fun, but I think that ship has sailed. It also would have been fun to see Hayley try to con Leslie and steal her money. That ship, too, has sailed.
Beyond the Gates: Lines of the Week
The Beyond the Gates writing team seems to be having a little too much fun. Here are some of the lines of dialogue that tickled my funny bone or that I found memorable over the past week (and haven’t already mentioned in this column).
“Believe it or not, us bosses don’t have meetings like we’re in the Legion of Doom.”
Joey, insisting to Elon that he did not know the Impaler’s identity.
“You think you’re damaged. I think you’re battle tested.”
Martin, offering Eva a little pep talk.
“I am happy as a bottomless mimosa.”
Leslie, who has probably been to quite a few bottomless mimosa brunches, expressing happiness that Izaiah and Eva joined her for a meal.
“How hard is it?”
Eva in response to Izaiah saying that it was really hard to have stopped mid-sexytimes with her earlier in the day.
“But everybody know that your bloodline is bootleg more than bougie.”
Leslie, trying to convince Hayley that they have much in common, including their humble upbringings.
“The devil wears Prada. I wear what the good Lord gave me.”
Leslie, after Bill woke up and saw her hovering over him and believe the devil was there to take him away.
“You are wiling out with your wiles.”
Eva explaining that her mother’s attempts to flirt were way over the top.
Gatecrashers: Reader and Viewer Feedback
I love interacting with other Beyond the Gates fans. So I thought I’d create a section to share some of the comments I’ve received on my columns and social media posts. If you’d like to see your comments shared here, you can scroll down to the Comments section below this column and post away. You can also chat with me on Bluesky, Instagram, Threads, Facebook, and/or TwitterX.
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Life outside the gates
Two of my former Two Scoops columnists from Soap Central, Liz Masters and Tamilu, have joined me here on my personal web site — and they are still writing about General Hospital. Liz is on deck with week with a new column called No One Can Hear You Scream.
To read more thoughts, opinions, rants, and raves about daytime television, be sure to check out our Editorial section.
dan
Thanks, I always enjoy reading your weekly commentary. It provides me with food for thought and often offers a perspective that I hadn’t considered before. Since I’m not a fan of podcasts, I hope you don’t stop writing this column.
Thank you Dan for this week’s column of thoughts.
Yes – there will be a who dun it for Heather with all the signs pointing to a wonderful cast of miscreants who have the motive to off her. At the top of my list – Joey. She has made no secret she wants (in on ) Joey’s empire and he has shut her down. This is getting fun to watch. I hope it is not Andre’ as he seems to be one of the good guys – and I would hate to see a good guy reduced to a crime of passion (pun intended). Another thought – i would love to see Jacob kill her in self defense (she is harming someone – make a choice) as that would give him the justice he seeks for Derek the Fireman.
As for Bill and his hear death experiences – lets just get it over with as it is getting tired. There – I said it.
As for Kat and Tomas – let him go to MIke’s law office and make partner and watch the relationship implode.
As for Anita’s voice – Sharon was the voice of reason. There is a cost to everything in Life, and Anita’s voice may be it in surviving the big C. Anita seems aware of this possiblity, but Vernon is not.
and finally – the gift that keeps on Giving – LSD!! Just when I think she is painted into a corner – Leslie makes a comeback. The Shouse is still viable, her permission on the Articuletter album including Barbara, and she is guarding that Clinic like a hawk. Yes, she needs to pay for her attempts on Laura, but this is a character that is fun to watch and occasionally root for.
I hate that we have another travel storyline that only shows Dani and Andre in their hotel
I do enjoy the Bill and Haley storyline, but I still want things to move further along.