My View From Beyond the Gates: The lack of the joy of sex

There have been countless poems written about love. I think it was Lord Byron or maybe it was George Michael who wrote, “Sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is best when it’s one on one.” But what do you do after the love is gone and yesterday is all that you had? Or worse, what if the love was never there in the first place?

There have been countless poems written about love. Some of the biggest selling songs have been about the falling in and the falling out of love.

Love is its own entity. It grows, it dies, it craves chunks of sharp cheddar cheese at three in the morning. Don’t judge!

But when you talk about love, you also invariably have to talk about sex. Or Ess-Ee-Ecks, if you’re a little more prim and proper. I think it was Lord Byron who wrote, “Sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is best when it’s one on one.” Oh, my bad. That was actually George Michael. Close enough.

Sex is natural and it should be fun, but that hasn’t been the case for some of the residents of Fairmont Crest. Sex with Tomás is apparently less fun than playing Wordle. For Kat’s daddy, though, sex with Leslie sure seemed to be fun. It was the afterglow that didn’t quite have the shine. Vanessa and Doug’s sex life is more been there, done that, so Vanessa set to do just about everyone else. Then there’s Samantha for who making love is only a dream.

It’s time to take an in-depth look at the secret mating habits of the residents of Fairmont Crest. Plus, I’ve got a whole lot of other observations about those wacky residents.

Some messy side piece

An interesting conversation has been had on social media about the implications of drunken sex on daytime drama series. Was Ted alert and aware enough to be able to give consent to sex with Leslie?

The general consensus has been that the narrative of the story would have been entirely different had Ted had sex with a drunken Leslie. The writers were very quick to work Ted admitting that he knew what was going on into the dialogue, but Ted was d-r-u-n-k when Leslie showed up at his door. According to Maryland law, a person is considered legally unable to consent to sex if they are too intoxicated by alcohol/drugs to understand the nature of the act or to give a reasoned judgment about it.

Regardless of the legal definition, daytime takes a decidedly different tone when a man is impaired. Don’t believe me? Check out Luna and Will’s story that is currently playing out on The Bold and the Beautiful.

Of course, the Ted/LSD (that’s Leslie/Sherry/Dana to the uninitiated) sex romp happened just as everyone was encouraging Nicole to consider giving Ted another chance. Wait… what’s that sound? Could it be? It is! It’s the hypocrite alarm!

Truth hurts

I applaud Ted for owning up to his “mistake,” but I kind of wanted him to lie. Yes, I know that lying is bad, but I really want Nicole and Ted to work out their differences. If you don’t count the fact that Ted cheated on his wife when she was at one of the lowest points of her life, he seems to have been a pretty swell husband. Yeah, I know how that sounds. I guess what I am really saying is that I wish Ted had kept his bourbon-soaked man meat far, far away from Leslie’s cavern of doom.

There must have been something in the Dupree gene pool that kicked in this week because, like Kat and Anita who I discuss later in the column, Nicole had a reaction that caught me by surprise. When Ted asked her if she still cared about him, she replied, “I do care… because it is something very powerful that I can use against your ass in court.” Yikes. I was planning to design a “Congrats on calling off your divorce” card for my Krollmark collection, but it seems that I can put that energy into something else.

If it don’t make dollars… it don’t make sense

The blind trust that Leslie was given has created more questions than answers. We don’t know exactly how much money is in the trust. That’s good in the sense that it leaves her money situation open-ended, but it also has a lot of viewers questioning how Leslie is able to just toss her money around like confetti. Some folks on social media thought that the million-dollar check that Leslie was given was all of the money she had. That’s not the case. It was merely the first disbursement from the trust. I believe she’d slated to get disbursements every six months or so.

It’s ridiculous to me that LSD would double her offer just to get the chance to live across the street from the Duprees. I don’t believe that she has enough cash on hand to buy the house outright, and I’d have to imagine that no mortgage underwriter is going to approve a mortgage on a house where the value of the house is less than the amount to be financed. On the other hand, anyone Fairmont Crest resident looking to sell is going to love what Leslie’s purchase will do for the comps.

BMF (Blowing Money Fast)

It also doesn’t seem quite right that Leslie would suddenly offer up an unknown sum of money to have a wing of the country club named after her. Why? Because she wanted a club membership? That’s like going to the county fair and spending $100 to win a $1 stuffed animal. Just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should. Leslie is “new money” and might not fully understand the value of just saying no to spending money.

I’d originally thought that the trust was a way to create another wealthy character/family on Beyond the Gates that could do battle with the mighty Duprees. But the way that LSD is acting makes me think that she might blow right through her money and end up back in the same situation that she was in pre-trust.

It was an interesting choice to have Anita indulge Leslie with information about Barbara. Well, after Anita told Leslie, “Go screw yourself.” Anita claimed that it was a way to reconnect with Barbara, but… It’ll be a cold day in the Jarvis house before Anita and Leslie break bread, but is this the first step? I don’t know, and if it is I don’t know how I feel about it.

I like truths to my face

The Andre/Ashley/Derek triangle still perplexes me. It’s odd to me that Ashley, fresh off of popping the question to a guy who she vehemently refused to marry just a few months ago, called Andre to tell him the… good?… news. Why? Ashley claimed that she wanted to tell Andre because she, Andre, and Derek had all been pals before the relationship weirdness got in the way.

Were they?

I feel like Derek was worried about Andre from the moment he first laid eyes on him. Yes, they may have had drinks together, but I don’t think that Derek and Andre were ever really friends. The only thing that I can come up with is that Ashley is playing some sort of game. She might not be fully aware that she is, but I am here to tell her that she is. You don’t phone the guy who took you to fake Paris and who you just broke up with to tell him that you’re now engaged to another man unless you’re trying to twist the knife.

Is Ashley the villain in this story?

Ashley may come across as Garland Memorial’s angsty Meredith Grey-type, but she’s actually far more cruel.  And I said in the previous paragraph, what makes it worse is that I don’t think she’s aware of how hurtful she’s being. She isn’t just sticking it to Andre, but also to Derek. I’m pretty sure she proposed to Derek out of guilt or maybe because it seemed like the “right” thing to do. I know it, Derek knows it, and everyone reading this column knows it.

I also question the real reason that Derek is lying about regaining sensation in his legs. Side note: I was begging for someone to do more of a test on Derek’s legs than they’d been doing. That touchy-touchy, rubby-rubby on his legs didn’t seem realistic to me. I’ve gotten more of an exam getting a pedicure at the local nail salon. Thank goodness Shanice heard my pleas and jabbed Derek with the wooden stick.

Yes, I do understand that Derek is worried that he could suffer a medical setback and that he doesn’t want to get Ashley’s hopes up unnecessarily. However, it’s been suggested on-screen that Ashley might dump Derek if and when he is able to walk again. It doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship if you have to lie about your health in order to keep your partner.

I (don’t) want your sex

Speaking of unhealthy relationships: Can we talk about Kat and Tomás? In a strangely weird case of autocorrect, my word processing program tried to autocorrect the associate lawyer’s name to “Toe Moss.” Even it knows that Tomás is about as exciting as… well, toe moss.

This aversion that Kat has to physical intimacy with Tomás is incredibly telling. Did you see her face when Tomás took off her blindfold and she saw that there was a bed in the room? If that’s the face you make when sexual relations are on the table, that’s a problem.

So what is the issue here? I haven’t given that a whole lot of thought, but there are a few possible options. There may be some sort of medical condition that is preventing sex from being pleasurable to Kat. Kat could be, as Chelsea suggested, asexual. The other possibility was one that I never thought I’d hear verbalized on the show – but’s it’s 2025 and the world is a-changin’. “News flash! Maybe you’re the who’s not so great in bed!” Well, damn, Kat. Tell us how you really feel.

It’s not the size of the boat or the motion in the ocean

I remember a bunch of weeks back Kat seemed to praise Tomás’ technique. Of course, she doesn’t really have anything to compare that assessment to. And no, you naughty people, that does not mean that she needs to have sex with Jacob. I suspect that she will, however, knock boots with Jacob’s soon-to-arrive brother, Izaiah.

So where does this leave Kat and Tomás’ relationship? Hopefully somewhere in a landfill. Or, if we are being environmentally conscious, in a compost pile.

Does this clear the way for Tomás and Eva to explore whatever sexual tension there is between them? Yes… but that doesn’t mean that I want to see that happen. I did. But I don’t anymore because Tomás is just yuck to me now. In fact, I’ve started calling him No más Tomás.

I’d prefer to see Tomás in something that doesn’t involve romance. I mean, even Hayley’s ridiculous plan to use Tomás to make Bill jealous was a total flop. There have been quite a few chances to make Tomás more interesting – I would have loved for him to be a whistleblower during the sexual harassment storyline – but those chances, for whatever reason, haven’t been taken. I don’t believe that Beyond the Gates would dare tell the story, but it would be incredibly contemporary for Tomás to get wrapped up in an immigration or deportation plot. Not necessarily his, but possibly representing clients who were in trouble. Again, the chances of that are probably slim to none.

You make your marriage sound like an old shoe

Slim to none are also the current odds of Doug McBride making it to see the ball drop on year 2026. Doug is totally falling apart – and it’s painful to watch. Doug is (or was) a skilled cardio-thoracic surgeon. He was the Preston Burke of Garland Memorial. Sorry for a second Grey’s Anatomy reference in the column, but I’ve always loved Grey’s and it’s an easy go-to for medical metaphors and surgical similes.

Much of Doug’s dilemma has to do with the male ego. His out-of-control gambling brought Joey into his life, and my association, into Vanessa’s life. Doug seemed to be aware of Vanessa’s sextracurricular activities, but it only became a serious problem when she started sleeping with Doug’s loan shark. Plus, it was admittedly the first time that Vanessa caught feelings for one of playthings.

Doug does have a very healthy sense of self because he truly believes that he can take down Joey all by himself. Joey has bested the man at every turn, but Doug still thinks he can win. It’s very similar to the way that he believed his luck would change on the next deal of the cards.

He Doug his own grave

What I don’t understand is how Doug thinks that he can take Joey down without also ruining Vanessa’s life – and his own, for that matter. Maybe a part of him doesn’t care if Vanessa gets sent to jail. If he doesn’t want Vanessa sent off to the pokey, then he is delusional to think that the Feds will just look the other way to Vanessa’s complicity in the money laundering.

Vanessa remains wildly fascinating to me. Lauren Buglioli has become one of my favorite performers to watch on Beyond the Gates. She always seems to give juuust a little bit more in scenes. It could be a look. It could be an intonation choice. Whatever it takes to get things to 110%, Lauren finds it.

It was interesting to hear Vanessa discuss her relationship with Doug to Joey. We finally heard Vanessa admit that she loves Doug. It might not have been what Joey wanted to hear, but at least Vanessa told him the truth. It just seems that Vanessa doesn’t enjoy having sex with her husband any more. That’s why she became a platinum member of Joey’s escort service. I’m not mad that she understands her sexual needs, but she and Doug probably should have had an actual conversation about this. Vanessa singularly making the decision isn’t the best look.

We need more than each other

It also wasn’t a good look for Samantha to suddenly want to talk about the birds and the bees with her long-lost mother. Social media has absolutely trashed the decision, but mostly because I don’t think that most people are looking at the nuance of the situation.

Samantha knows that she can talk about “girl problems” with any one of her female family members. This isn’t Samantha choosing to bypass all of them to talk to her stranger danger mom. It’s been clear all along that Samantha has wanted a relationship with June. When Tyrell proclaimed that both he and Samantha had decided to cut off contact with June after the first visit, Samantha’s face told a different story.

Let’s be clear: Samantha has been looking for any reason to talk to June. If she had a pet goldfish, Samantha would have made up some excuse about needing to talk to June about fish parenting. So I think it’s unfair to accuse the writers of writing plot-driven story because there is a much larger picture being painted.

I hear voices

That said, I totally disagree with Martin’s cavalier remark that Samantha needs “more voices” in her life. The Internet is full of other voices, but I don’t think Martin would encourage Samantha to go poking around on the Dark Web for advice. Is Martin making up these folksy little pearls of wisdom to help him stay calm in the face of Samantha wanting to know her birthmother?

I do appreciate that Tyrell has promised to support his sister. As an only child, I’ve obviously never had that sibling bond. I don’t know if their meeting of the minds on the June situation is realistic, but to me it feels very much like #siblinggoals.

There’s a new girl in town

I’ve had a love hate relationship with June ever since she arrived on the scene. I think one of my first mentions of the character in a column referred to her as “June Gloom.” Jasmine Burke, who portrays June on the other hand, is a lot of fun to watch.

June working at Orphey Gene’s was really kind of funny. Not every beat in the sitcom-esque scenes worked, but I definitely laughed out loud on more than one occasion. It was hilarious that June didn’t actually write down what customers ordered. On several occasions, she told the customer what they wanted. “Pisces, right?” June said to one customer. “You’re just giving Pisces. You’re also giving chocolate milkshake and a supreme burger. Amirite?” When June showed up later with the customer’s order, it was not the milkshake and burger. Why? “I realized you were actually giving omelet,” June explained.

The only thing that would have made these scenes even more sitcommie would have been June telling someone to kiss her grits.

Beyond the Gates Speed Round

Here are some rapid fire thoughts about some of the other action from the week gone by.

Picky, picky

We all know that time in the land of soaps moves at its own weird pace. Some days on soaps last for weeks in real life. Kids can age a decade in an afternoon. But it was really off-putting to hear Kat and Chelsea talk about the launch of their purse line taking place on Tuesday, September 29^th. The 29^th of September is actually a Monday.

Peeky, peeky

I don’t for the life of me understand why Ted doesn’t use the peephole on his hotel room door. And why does he always assume that the person who just left his room is the person who is knocking on his door. He’s been wrong about that every single time. He complains about Leslie being in his hotel room, but he opens the door without looking to see who is in the hallway.

If Eva has a keycard to get into Ted’s hotel room, why didn’t she use it when she was knocking on the door while her dad and mom were knocking boots? She was worried about drunken Ted but didn’t think it was urgent enough to go inside when he didn’t answer the door?

Not the jetset crowd

I was not a fan of the weird bar/lounge at the private jetport. It just read cheap throwaway set. I’d have rather Andre and Dani had drinks at the Uptown while waiting for a car service to take them to their private jet.

Calling the NIMBY crowd

I still do not believe that Fairmont Crest would allow Leslie to do all of the things she’s claiming to want to do to the Jarvis property. There has to be some sort of Homeowner’s Association and the Duprees would absolutely know that an HOA board would not allow Leslie to paint the house magenta or put up some sort of gnome and fairy garden.

Lines of the week

The Beyond the Gates writing team is once again having a little too much fun. Here are some of the lines of dialogue that tickled my funny bone or that I found memorable over the past week (and haven’t already been mentioned in this column).

“She’s [Vanessa] good in bed.” “Most crazy women are.” — Joey and Ted discussing the intricacies of sex.

“It’s not safe to swim with sharks — no matter how pretty they are.” – Bill, warning Joey that his dalliance with Vanessa could come at a cost.

“I’m Dani Dupree. The rules don’t apply to me.” — Dani (obviously) stating that it’s her world and we just live in it.

“I hate that it took a stroke and a kidnapping to get us here.” — Bill with a somewhat dark take on why he’s glad that he and Dani were in a better place.

“At least I was your Paris.” — Andre to Ashley. Their romance fell flat to me, but that was such a heartfelt, heartbreaker of a line.

“Whose side are you on?” “Yours. It’s safer.” — Dani and Andre, when Dani was miffed that Andre seemed to be siding with Hayley.

“Hotcakes… 1830s… interesting.” — Gen-Zer Kat when she had to use Google to translate Anita’s use of the phrase “sell like hotcakes.”

“You’re usually giving polished and rich. Today is giving ‘day off.'” — Eva when Momma LSD was dressed less than spectacularly.

“My comeback mode is always activa-Ted” — LSD following her bedroom adventure with Ted.

“You are never, ever getting back together.” — Hayley, channeling her inner Swiftie as she told Bill that she knew that he would not be reuniting with Dani.

Follow my Random Acts of Dan

That’s all I have for this week’s My View From Beyond the Gates column. Thank you for reading and, as always, please feel free to share your thoughts on my column or Beyond the Gates in the Comments section below.

If you’ve enjoyed my column this week and want to see what I have written about Beyond the Gates in previous weeks, you can check those out in the My View From Beyond the Gates archive.

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Life outside the gates

My former Two Scoops columnists Liz Masters and Tamilu have joined me here on my personal web site — and they are still writing about General Hospital. Liz Masters is on deck with week with a new column called, Farce weddings and a funeral.

To read more thoughts, opinions, rants, and raves about daytime television, be sure to check out our Editorial section.

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