My View From Beyond the Gates: Midlife Crisis Bingo Card

It’s all fun and games until your wife is banging your loan shark on the same poker table where you’ve lost a fortune. Or the daughter that you accused of trying to kill someone nabs the evidence that proves you’re the actual would-be murderer. Bet you didn’t have those two scenarios on your 2025 Bingo card.

2025 has already been quite a year, and it’s not even halfway over. Beyond the Gates is not about to be outdone by reality. Television’s newest soap has concocted some wild scenarios that I sure hope I never find myself in. But seeing other people in those scenarios? Oh, that makes for must-see TV.

In three short months, we’ve transitioned from a show that seemed to revolve around the aftermath of a marriage’s breakup to something so twisty that it rivals a pretzel. Yes, we are still talking about that marriage, this time with 100% more baby. We have also added a woman who talks to herself in the mirror by day and runs strangers off the road by night. There’s also a casino operator who bedded (or maybe tabled) the wife of a man who owes him a whole lot of money.

LSD Overdose

I never thought I’d say this, but this past week Leslie, Sherry, Dana, and Naughty Nurse Lulu Lenhart (LSD RN?) got on my nerves. All of them.

I’m not sure what it was, but her antics in Ted’s hotel room were annoyingly desperate. If Leslie really wants Ted back, you’d think she’d find a way to be less “basic.” Her trip down Memory Lane by talking about pouring Ted a beer and how they used to heat up their air conditionedly cold hotel room fell flat. Ted kept telling her over and over and over to get gone, but she didn’t get the hint. At the very least, she could have changed her tactics. There’s that whole flies and vinegar thing.

Is it possible that she doesn’t really want Ted? Is it possible she doesn’t know what she wants? Maybe Leslie (or one of her alternate personalities) is having a midlife crisis.

You would think that Leslie would be smarter than to keep her biker helmet in her apartment. The moment that the police started sniffing around, she should have found a way to dump that thing in the Potomac. If she is environmentally conscious, I am sure she could have driven to Baltimore or Richmond or anywhere and dropped it off at a Goodwill.

Speaking of donating things, she was also very careless with her leather jacket donation. She didn’t think to check her pockets before dropping it in the church’s clothing donation bin? Then again, who am I to judge? I am routinely leaving things in my pants pockets and then I end up with a mess in the washing machine.

I bless the day you walked out

The chemistry between Trisha Mann-Grant (Leslie) and Ambyr Michelle (Eva) is incredible. Actually, the word “incredible” might be an insult because it is so much more, um, incredible than incredible. These two women interact like they’ve known each other for years. They play off of each other in scenes so, so well.

I think that’s why the scenes on Friday’s episode when LSD asked for the key to the apartment to be returned were so upsetting. For years it had been Eva and Leslie against the world — at least that’s what we’ve been told. Now Leslie is just able to kick her daughter to the curb? All because Eva tried to stop Leslie from dropping her anniversary party bombshell? Shouldn’t Eva sticking up for her mother with the police have proven that she was still loyal to Leslie?

This is a perfect example of “be careful what you wish for.” Leslie wanted Eva to know her father. Now that she does, Leslie’s feelings are hurt. I’m willing to accept that Leslie feels that she now has to share Eva’s love, but the things that Leslie said to Eva are kind of unforgiveable. I bless the day you walked out? Not cool, LSD. Not cool.

Allow me to reintroduce myself

On the positive side, the interaction between LSD and Ted gave us a really good chance to get to know the “new” Ted as played by Keith D. Robinson. Maurice Johnson’s Ted was very much the Teddy Bear that LSD cooed about. He was cuddly and loveable. This new version of Ted is scrappy and more grizzly bear than a teddy bear. He looks like he will, as the kids say, cut a bitch.

Both versions of Ted are dumb, dumbity (the “b” is pronounced), dumb. Why on earth did Ted let Leslie into his hotel room? Because she was going to make a scene in the hallway? All LSD does is make scenes. Call security and have her butt hauled away. It was especially dumb because he knew that Kat was on her way over. Now, he might not have thought Kat would let herself into his room, but he knew she was coming.

Ouch! I’ve got a poker chip lodged in my butt

It seemed like only a matter of time before Joey hit in big with Vanessa’s slot machine. That innuendo aside, it didn’t go down the way that I expected. In my Doomsoaping — that’s the term I coined for watching a soap and expecting the absolute worst things to happen — I thought that Joey had asked Vanessa to go to the casino with the explicit intent of having Doug catch them in flagrante delicto.

If you recall, Joey reversed his ban on Doug being able to gamble at the casino, and then later Joey asked Vanessa to accompany him to the casino. Doug ended up seeing them together, but for once he knew when to walk away. Maybe Joey was planning to clue Vanessa into Doug’s gambling debt but got waylaid by her upping the ante by flashing her panties.

In even more Doomsoaping, I was very, very worried that drunk Dani and Doug were going to do something they’d regret. Of course, we skipped ahead a day or two at the end of that episode, so…

Zinger, zinger, pregnancy test for dinner

Let’s be clear: the dialogue writers on Beyond the Gates have way too much fun. If you need any proof, rewatch the Wednesday, May 28, episode. Dani was spitting absolute hilarity.

Karla Mosley rarely was given the chance to shine on her previous soap gigs. Yes, she had some memorable moments and earned a Daytime Emmy nomination, but Beyond the Gates is really her coming out party. She gets to be a leading lady and, thankfully for all of us, has been given all of the soapy shenanigans that come with that leading lady status.

From the moment Dani found out that Bill and Hayley were expecting, Dani let loose with the shade. Her first quip was a bit of a warm up. She dinged Bill for being too old to change diapers, but rich enough to pay someone to do it for him. From there, it was rapid fire reads. “Is there any sadder sight than an aging lawyer, his trophy wife, and a designer baby? It’s like a midlife crisis bingo card.” That one was good enough to make it to the title of this week’s column.

AARPer’s bazaar

One of my favorites came when Dani questioned if Bill was even the father of Hayley’s baby. “You don’t just develop a taste for AARP overnight,” Dani zinged. As someone who is now old enough to join AARP, I laughed. Then I realized that Dani is also probably old enough to be a member.

Things quickly turned from baby to no baby, as Dani questioned whether or not Hayley was even pregnant. I have to say, that never crossed my mind — but it’s a good thought. The thing that is somewhat fascinating to me is that everything Dani predicted about Hayley came true. And, yes, I am getting out of chronological order here, but this is what happens when I have brown soda and cotton candy before writing a column.

When Dani showed up at Bill and Hayley’s house, I half expected her to produce a home pregnancy test. The back-and-forth between Dani and Hayley was fun. Finally Hayley came across as something more than a vapid, husband-stealing, sex-obsessed, possible gold digger. Now I’m not saying she’s a gold digger, but… I probably shouldn’t be quoting Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband.

She’s probably got practice faking a lot of things

There was so much brilliance in the scene. Hayley’s fake confession that she had lied about being pregnant. Dani commented that Hayley’s performance would give Hayley the chance to later claim that she had been honest about not being pregnant. Remember, Dani did correctly predict that after she left Hayley would break down crying in Bill’s arms.

Pregnant or not, I can’t see a baby being written into Bill and Hayley’s future. It would hamstring their future story. So either Hayley isn’t really pregnant because the pregnancy tests were inaccurate (probably why there was no product placement) or she has some sort of medical condition that caused a false positive like a hormone imbalance, ovarian cysts, or kidney disease. The other option is Dani’s prophetic claim that Hayley will have a miscarriage.

I will share a twisted memory that I have of my Nana, someone I miss terribly. Bill and Hayley’s talk about sex while she was pregnant reminded me of a discussion my Nana and some of her contemporaries once had about pregnancy sex. One of the women said that her daughter and husband were “engaging” while pregnant. One of the other women said that they couldn’t do that because the baby would be born with an indentation in their forehead. My Nana replied, “I don’t think they’ll have that problem. He doesn’t look that… blessed.”

I already have a horse and I am enjoying the ride

Continuing my out of order commentary, Pamela trying to fix up Dani was kind of funny. That whole foot-in-mouth exchange between Dani and Adam was great, campy soap. Adam seemed nice, though we only got to know him for about five carats seconds.

I suppose some eye candy and forced matchmaking was the only way that we were going to get Dani to confess that she was having a sextuationship with Andre. It shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise since Pamela clocked it a week or so ago. The secret is now out and it will be interesting to see if Pamela keeps her word and keeps quiet… or if she will try to play cupid. My money is on Pamela trying to push the two sexbirds together.

You’re sleeping with my sister-in-law?!

I was surprised that Andre opened up to Ted about the secret relationship. I mean, I knew he was about to blurt it out when Ted started questioning if Andre had ever had a relationship with a woman where emotions and last names were involved. It was sort of like the moment in Pretty Woman when Vivian presses Kit for the name of a down-on-her-luck woman who found a happy ending… just without the f-bomb.

I like the reversal of the stereotypical roles in this situationship. For so long it’s been the woman who has pined over a man who wasn’t ready to commit. Here it’s especially interesting because Andre is a notorious playboy. Seeing a man who “had a long list of flings [with] faceless, nameless flight attendants and models” be the one whose caught feelings is a nice change of pace.

Where did our love go?

I am interested to see where this Articulettes storyline is headed. In an interview, Tamara Tunie (Anita Dupree) previewed that the upcoming story is “something never seen in daytime television.” Since it seems like just about everything has happened in daytime, I cannot fathom what this “something” might be. I hope the tease doesn’t lead to unreachably high expectations.

I suppose if I am being honest, the storyline is already something that we haven’t seen on daytime before. There’s been a too long swath of time where soaps didn’t even like to give stories to people over the age of 30something. I also don’t think we’ve ever had a former girl group storyline like this before.

Come see about me

I am mildly puzzled about why Sharon even agreed to fly to Washington, D.C. She certainly didn’t seem to want to see Anita and Vernon. At one point, I actually wondered if Sharon even knew why Tracy had invited her to the nation’s capital. I thought maybe Sharon tried that same VIP tour of the Smithsonian line that Pamela’s jeweler man used.

Each of the former Articulettes has said that they used to be family. All three also seem to miss that closeness, but all have also admitted that something happened to change that. Again, I think it is more than Anita choosing to leave the group. Something bad happened that allowed for Anita to make a convenient exit from the group. If I were making odds for Joey’s casino, I’d still say that the odds-on favorite choice is that Sharon got pregnant. I don’t really have any other backup choices at this point.

Beyond the Gates Speed Round

Here are some rapid fire thoughts about some of the other action from the week gone by.

Check, no mate

The Tyrell and Jessica situation sure did go left quick. Trying to understand the teenage mind is probably akin to trying to describe the sound of one hand clapping, but let me try anyway. Tyrell seems like Jessica, but his reaction to her kiss was way overboard. So overboard that it’s probably on the bottom of the ocean with the woman from Titanic‘s necklace.

It was interesting to me that Tyrell’s first reaction was to think that Jessica was playing him and going to post another video of him online.

How do you feel about nudity?

Though it probably isn’t socially acceptable, part of me wants to open every conversation with a stranger with Dani’s, “How do you feel about nudity?” I have a business meeting this weekend, so I will probably delay any implementation of that plan until after the meeting.

The Guza strip

It looks like Emmy winner Robert Guza, Jr., has wrapped up his time at Beyond the Gates. Guza is no longer listed as an executive producer on the show. Soap Opera Network reports that Guza “chose to leave after fulfilling the terms of his contract.” Those terms aren’t public, but I’m guessing it was a three-month deal to help get the show up and running.

That’s all I have for this week’s My View From Beyond the Gates column. If you need a printable version of the midlife crisis bingo card to, I dunno, track your friends’ lives, let me know.

I’ll be tuning in and I’ll continue to share my thoughts on Beyond the Gates as long as you’re interested in reading them. Thank you for reading and, as always, please feel free to share your thoughts on my column or Beyond the Gates in the Comments section below.

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Life outside the gates

My former Two Scoops columnists Liz Masters and Tamilu have joined me here on my personal web site — and they are still writing about General Hospital. Check out Liz’s latest GH column, A family affair

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