Beyond the Gates commentary: Tide, tort, and tempting tortellini

Father versus daughter. Open marriages. Gossipy nurses. Secret baby daddies. Hidden family secrets. How many ways can Beyond the Gates craft soapy drama? The pastabilities are endless!

Good news! I have found a surefire way to gain access to Fairmont Crest any time I want. I simply call up real estate agent extraordinaire Vanessa McBride and tell her that I am looking to buy a house for my mom. She is only too happy to invite me to the country club to look at property listings. There’s only one weird thing about it. She keeps asking if she can see my rigatoni and taste my meatballs. She must have seen some of my cooking posts on social media. Or something.

The courtroom where it happens

While there are many things that I love about Beyond the Gates, I am surprised by how much I am invested in the Hamilton v. Hamilton saga. What’s even more fun about this is trying to figure out exactly why I am loving it so much.

Naomi isn’t necessarily my favorite character and Bill, definitely a villain, isn’t necessarily a character that I dislike. With BTG having launched less than two months ago, we haven’t gotten to see Naomi and Bill’s history play out on-screen. We haven’t had a chance to see father and daughter in happier times, fall in love with their mock legal battles, or experience the pain of watching their family fall apart. Instead, we’ve had to hear about it through exposition, something that is typically widely planned by soap fans. Here, though, it really works.

Timon Kyle Durrett (Bill) and Arielle Prepetit (Naomi) have very quickly been able to develop a mesmerizing on-screen chemistry that some seasoned soap opera actors would kill to have with their scene partners. That said, it would have been a jaw-dropping plot twist if Bill had dropped dead from a heart attack in his office while arguing with Naomi. It would have been totally unexpected. Kind of like billed-as-the-star Ryan Phillippe dying in the very first episode of Big Sky. Oops. Spoiler alert.

Objections and sustained

It is very telling that Bill thinks the sexual harassment case is all about him. When he asked Naomi, “Do you really hate me that much?” implying, of course, that she only agreed to represent the three women because of her personal animosity toward him, my eyeballs nearly rolled right out of my head.

The will-they-or-won’t-they accept the settlement offer was interesting. I liked that Naomi allowed the women to talk things out amongst themselves after she noted all of the loopholes that existed in the settlement. Had Naomi strong-armed them in a particular direction it would have brought her objectivity into question. At least for me. However…

“Momma’s getting’ a new pair of shoes. All. The. Shoes.” Ma’am, I cannot take you seriously right now. And please do not say anything like that if you get called to the stand.

Also, why in the world did Becky agree to sit down with Hayley? As a paralegal, she should have known that was not a good idea.

I might be the only one to think that Tomás is sleazy. He pretty much admit to Naomi that he knows Mike has crossed the line on more than one occasion. So you’ll vaguely ‘fess up now to save your own behind, but you didn’t say anything or do anything when Mike was actually being pervy? Not cool. Plus, his asking Kat to try to get Naomi to drop the lawsuit was also a major turn off. He wants to be part of a prestigious law firm but his actions are no better than the stereotypical “ambulance chaser.”

You’re looking particularly edible today

I am glad that we got some clarification about Vanessa and Doug’s marriage this week. I couldn’t remember if it was public knowledge that they have an open marriage. I’m still not sure if everyone knows, but it does put Vanessa’s public displays or horniness in a little better context.

I am not here to judge the McBride’s marriage or whatever arrangement they may or may not have worked out. I will admit to grimacing when Vanessa said of her husband, “Whatever game he once had has long since ended. The audience has left the bleachers and gone home.” Ouch.

Actually, now that I think about it, do we know if Doug knows that he is in an open marriage? He’s too busy playing poker to even know what his wife is up to. Poker? He hardly sees her! I’m here all week, folks.

The sexual banter and tension between Vanessa and Joey was on full display this past week. Who knew the word tortellini could be so naughty? Is this Joey’s end game? Is he trying to tank Doug so that he can have some sort of Indecent Proposal moment with Vanessa? No offense, but I suspect Vanessa would ante up her kitty for free. There’s has to be something else that I am missing.

One thing I didn’t miss? I knew Joey’s mom wasn’t alive and wanting a house.

Quarter-life crisis

I like Chelsea, but at times she comes across as a spoiled brat. I think Chelsea should be celebrated for wanting to capitalize on her Insta-celebrity and launch a fashion line. What I don’t get, though, is how someone who claims to be an influencer was so blind to the opportunity that the fashion show presented to launch her line with Kat.

Okay, girl, I get it. You don’t want to be a model any more. You don’t like that your “momager” has dictated your life for however many years. But you didn’t want to do one more high profile show in a super rare Smithsonian dress in order to get the eyes of the world looking at one of your handbags? You can’t agree to do one show with a big pay day per year for three years? Seems petulant and very short-sighted. I am glad, though, that something changed her mind.

As someone who operated a successful business since before Chelsea was born, I will be the first to admit that sometimes you have to do things that you might not want to do in order to be successful. Chelsea will need to keep that in mind moving forward.

Shh! It’s a secret

The Duprees have a secret — okay, probably more than one secret. All we know is that it has something to do with Martin and that Bill somehow figures into said secret.

I have no idea what this bombshell Dupree family secret is, but it had better be good. We’ve almost gotten to the point where the cloak and dagger teasing runs the risk of overhyping the secret. I think it’s safe to say that a good portion of the audience is yelling, “Tell us what the secret is already!”

Since I haven’t had an All My Children reference yet in this week’s column, I’ll make one now. Back in 1999, Erica Kane suffered severe facial injuries when she was involved in a car accident. Show dialogue talked about how horrific the injuries were for days and weeks. Since the injury had been touted as so severe, show execs didn’t think the show’s makeup department could create a special effect that would match the audience’s expectation. As a result, the injury was never shown and Erica wore a mask… for weeks… and weeks… and fans derided the plot as “The Phantom of the Soap Opera.”

That might not be the case here, but I don’t know if dragging the secret out until May “Sweeps” (or longer) is a good idea.

Three alarm snoozer

I am hoping that the writers are not planning to go too far down the road with a Derek/Ashley/Andre love triangle. It’s just not working for me. It’s not just because I personally think Andre is the obvious choice here. I think it’s more that Andre is by far the most interesting character.

Fun fact: I recently learned that a friend auditioned for the role of Andre and made it aaaall the way to the final cut.

Ashley kind of bores me. Even her first-day emergency delivery in the elevator lacked the excitement that I wanted. I’d rather see more Grey’s Anatomyesque stories for her. The angsty torn between two lovers thing isn’t working. I’ve said it nearly every column, but Derek was at his most interesting when he was hospitalized. I obviously don’t wish harm to any first responder, but in a fictional world built around drama things are a bit different.

It would have been powerful to see Ashley caring for a man she loves, a man who from moment to moment might not remember who she is. Or perhaps a man who was physically unable to love her in return. I think in that scenario the love triangle angle might have worked because it wouldn’t have been the typical “Oh dear! Who do I choose?” type of story.

Someone on one of the social media platforms remarked that Derek and Andre have more chemistry than either man has with Ashley. I agree. Perhaps Derek has a little bro crush on the photographer.

Random side story: one of my best friends in life Pam had “a thing” for firemen. When we would go places together, I’d often make it a point to drive by a firehouse so that she could ogle the mens. I’m pretty sure she once “accidentally” put a metal fork in the microwave so that firefighters would be dispatched to “rescue” her when her apartment filled with smoke.

And now a word from our sponsor

From the moment Procter & Gamble was announced as one of the companies involved in producing Beyond the Gates, I wondered if there would be any product placement within the show. Maybe it’s more accurate to say I wondered how long it would take before product placement became a part of the show.

The answer? 28 episodes.

To be clear, I don’t have an issue with product placement. I’m for whatever helps generate revenue to keep any and all soaps on the air. What I don’t like is clunky product placement. I thought that Ashley and Derek’s laundry detergent plug worked better than Nicole’s overspraying of room deodorizer.

Product placement doesn’t have to be the equivalent of an ACME anvil falling on Wile E. Coyote’s head. Simply have the label of a product visible in a scene – perhaps disinfectant wipes at the hospital or a bottle of dish detergent on someone’s sink. And surely there’s a liquor company out there that wants to be placed on Dani’s home bar.

In this era of influencers, why not have actual brand names place their clothing or other products in the hands of the show’s influencer?

Beyond the Gates

Here are some rapid fire thoughts on other action from the week gone by.

I just took a DNA test

I need someone to run a DNA test on Garland Memorial nurse Shanice. There is a strong chance that she is related to principal Ava Coleman from Abbott Elementary. Both seem more interested in their social lives and gossiping than actually doing their jobs. Don’t get me wrong: it’s hilarious. I kind of want Shanice to lean even more into the silliness.

I’m 100% that snitch

They almost got me when Police Chief Hawthorne told Jacob that Marcel wasn’t crooked — he was just working undercover to get a bigger fish than Joey Armstrong. I so wanted to believe that. Now, though, I am wondering if that might have been a better storyline twist. I just hate that Jacob’s dad is also on the take. Is Jacob’s big story going to be that he has to take down his own dad? Yikes! That’s super juicy drama, but I feel bad for Jacob.

Truth hurts

For the second time in as many weeks Hayley’s jealousy was on full display. If Hayley is so confident that Bill has moved on from Dani, why was she so upset that Bill went to visit Dani? Maybe she’s like me and suspects that Bill still has feelings for his ex-wife. Maybe she’s heard the old adage, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

We are family

Does it really matter that Andre is Dani’s sister’s nephew? It’s not like there is any biological or genetic link. If they wanna have sex, let them have sex. If they wanna date, I say let them date. Sure, it might make Thanksgiving dinner a little awkward, but aren’t all Thanksgivings borderline awkward anyway.

Now that I don’t have to dress up like a Tide Pod, it will be even easier for me to continue spying on the residents of Fairmont Crest. I’ll continue to share my thoughts on all their antics are long as you’re interested in reading them. Thank you for reading and, as always, please feel free to share your thoughts on my column or Beyond the Gates in the Comments section below.

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Life outside the gates

My former Two Scoops columnists Liz Masters and Tamilu have joined me here on my personal web site — and they are still writing about General Hospital. Check out Liz’s latest GH column, April fools.

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