My View From Beyond the Gates: Who needs tariffs when you have an Ass Tax?

Sometimes people need a little encouragement. The roar of applause from an adoring audience. The dangled carrot of a big job promotion. And yes, the threat that your debt could multiply in the blink of an eye thanks to an Ass Tax. But, hey — whatever gets the job done. Amirite?

It isn’t often that politics and soap operas collide. In 30 years of owning and operating Soap Central, there were very few times that the two worlds became inextricably linked. Most of them came in the past decade — before Beyond the Gates hit the airwaves — and involved soap stars that ran for public office or sued over policies that were being enforced in the workplace.

Now, thanks to Chief Economist, Director of Mobster Affairs, and Ambassador to Pimplandia Joey Armstrong we have another. His decision to slap an added fee on Doug made me realize we need to forget tariffs and fully embrace the Ass Tax. If we make people pony up some cash every time they act like a jerk, we will all be rich. Rich, I say!

What’s a hundred grand between friends?

The inspiration for this week’s column title came very early in the week when Joey decided it was time to make Doug pay what he owed. It’s interesting because we’ve never been told exactly how much Doug is in the hole. It’s a clever tool because it allows each viewer to create their own debt scenario in their mind. I originally assumed it was probably close to $100,000, but now I think it’s even more than that.

For a supposedly minor character, Jon Lindstrom’s Joey Armstrong is getting a lot of juicy material. It was both chilling and amusing when he warned the defiant Doug, “I’d hate to add an Ass Tax of, say, a hundred grand.” Who knew that was even a thing?! If I’d been aware that you could just levy an Ass Tax on people, I’d have been doing that for years! Shoot, I could have a vacation home in Fairmont Crest by now.

You’d think that threat would have scared Doug straight, but… that would be hoping for too much. I’ve never known anyone to actually win big on one of those scratch lottery tickets. Congratulations, Doug! Oh, wait. Rather than knowing when to walk away, this dumb dumb decided to bet his entire winnings on a “sure thing” at the horse track.

I realize that addiction is a disease, but in this fictional situation I find myself asking why he didn’t just bet a portion of the lottery winnings on the horse. A $10,000 bet would have still paid off handsomely. And, on the flip side, he’d still have $40,000 if his sure thing ended up not-so-sure. That led me to believe that $50,000 was just a drop in the bucket of what Doug actually owes Joey.

The way we were

I liked that we got some backstory on how Doug became addicted to gambling — and that he turned to Nicole for help. That might be one of the best decisions he has made since we first saw his character on Beyond the Gates.

The Doug and Vanessa relationship has been something of a peripheral story since Beyond The Gates debuted back on February 24. To be honest, all it needed was a laugh track and it would have been sitcom material. The not-so-clandestine hookups at the country club with Diego. The slightly judgey-yet-amused conversations about how Vanessa “steps out” on her marriage.

But wow — that took a massive shift this week when suddenly their marriage had more layers than a mille feuille.

I wasn’t sure in my initial viewing that Doug saw more than what appeared to be sexual tension between his wife and his loan shark. Later, in a flashback we learned that Doug saw some under-the-table underhanded sexy touching. But before that flashback, Doug and Vanessa were suddenly going at it in a hotel room. As they were having their sexytimes fun, I kept scolding Doug. “Watch your hand!” and “Be careful!” flew out of my mouth a few times. I guess it didn’t matter because we later learned that Doug was damn near spanking his wife with his cast. Was she, um, getting plastered?

The afterglow came to a quick end. Doug and Vanessa didn’t say that their marriage was over in so many words, but it was clear that both knew there were some serious issues. As tears streamed down Vanessa’s cheek, they reminisced about make up sex and the life they once had together. You could see the exact moment her heart broke: when Doug said he missed a call and needed to run along.

Poker chips and poker face

My jaw dropped when Joey sidled up to Vanessa at the bar and asked her why she’d hired an escort. First of all, soaps don’t typically talk about that kind of thing. It’s not a judgment on my part — soaps just haven’t been willing to address that sort of thing. My jaw went through the floor when Joey revealed that he owned the escort service! This twist was completely out of left field and so, so juicy.

But there was more. The playful sexual banter between Joey and Vanessa took an almost dark turn. When Vanessa said she should slap him, Joey’s “I might enjoy that” quip didn’t have the same lighthearted feel to it. It was almost… dangerous. I don’t know if Vanessa will succumb to this liaison dangereuse or not, but I hope she has more will power than her husband. Honestly, there’s no way to extricate herself from the situation as long as “Dougie Boy” is indebted to Joey.

Unsung: The story of the Articulettes

One of my absolute favorite moments on any soap in quite some time was the forced impromptu performance by the Anita Williams Dupree. I didn’t think it was actually going to happen, to be honest. I thought Anita would be too scared to perform and politely bow out or leave the club. My second scenario had Anita taking the stage, a commercial break, and a return to action after Anita had finished singing. In a third scenario, I reverted to my Doomsoaping ways and thought Anita would take the stage and either have her voice crack or otherwise be unable to hit the notes.

I was absolutely giddy watching Anita singing with Dani and Naomi doing the absolute most as backup singers. I kind of want the entire track to be released to streaming services so that I can live my wildest Articulettes fantasies. Okay, maybe not — but I would listen to the song. Unless it mentions laundry detergent or air freshener.

Behind the music

Something that has me confused, though, was the genre of the song Anita and the Anitalettes (trademark pending!) were singing. The song was very New Jack Swing. Anita’s career was as a jazz singer. I assumed the Articulettes were contemporaries of the Supremes or the Emotions. If Anita gave up her singing career before she had kids… and Dani is supposedly around 50 years of age… that would mean Anita’s career had long been shelved by the time New Jack Swing was popular in the late-80s and early-90s. Maybe someone remixed one of her songs and she had a career resurgence even after she retired? Maybe this wasn’t one of her songs?

The only way to know for sure is to get the entire backstory of Anita’s career. I want to know how the Articulettes formed, why they stopped performing, and I want to hear some of their music. I know the latter would require a lot of effort, but, hey, I can dream, right? I’m partial to TVOne’s Unsung series, but since CBS and VH1 are under the same corporate umbrella, maybe we can get a Behind The Music segment on the Articulettes.

Baby, I’m-a want you

Beyond the Gates has had an interesting way of playing with my emotions. For example, we’ve been sort of conditioned to hate the Bill and Hayley relationship. Big Bad Bill busted up his happy family to have an affair with this supposed tartlet and definite best friend of his daughter. It’s the reason two coffee mugs sacrificed their lives in the first episode of the series.

Now, though, I don’t actually hate them any more. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not inviting them over to the my reserved fireside table at the country club. Still, the interactions between Bill and Hayley when they thought they might be having a baby were pretty deep.

Bill was his usual assy self, accusing Hayley of perhaps trying to trap him by getting pregnant. I’m not sure how that would be the case since Bill is already “trapped” by marriage, but Bill’s logic doesn’t make a lot of sense to me at times. Eventually, though, both warmed to the idea of having a little life that was half him and half her. They way they described this mythic baby sounded something more like a centaur or a mermaid — or, hell, a Mister Potato Head.

I could feel their filtered disappointment when Hayley’s third pregnancy test confirmed that they were not going to be a mom and dad. The way they each tried to sell the “now we can just be with each other for the rest of our lives” was convincing and incredibly romantic, but it was still dripping with sadness.

Same ole Bill

If we needed any proof that maybe Bill doesn’t need a little Mini Me we didn’t need to look any further than his coercion of Tomás. Bill’s magnanimous gesture to settle the harassment lawsuit, fire lecherous Mike, and make things right in the office was exposed as smoke and mirrors when he demanded that Tomás keep him informed about the confidential meetings of the newly formed make our workplace safe again committee. If Tomás declined? Well, partnership would be taken off the table.

I do have to wonder what Hayley thinks of what she overheard. There have been several times now when Hayley has had a chance to witness the behavior that people have warned her about. Is she still in the honeymoon phase and willing to overlook everything? Or is she filing these warning signs away in her mind for a later date when she hits Bill with an Ass Tax in the form of divorce papers?

In-A-Gadda-Da-Leslie

Leslie is so much fun to watch. At times she borders on cartoon villain, but it never quite crosses the line. There are so many possibly ways that this storyline could go… and I think that makes it even more fun. How many ways? Here are a few that my mind devised.

First is that everything goes just as LSD (Leslie/Cherry/Dana) planned. She drops her bombshell news at the anniversary party and things go left from there. In this scenario, there are alternate outcomes. Eva is flatly rejected and spends the next however long really hating Nicole and Ted. She then becomes just as wacky as her momma. The second has Eva welcomed, but LSD made the outcast. Alternate outcomes to those alternate outcomes have a DNA test proving that Eva is Ted’s daughter… or showing that she is not. Or maybe LSD isn’t even Eva’s biological mom in the first place.

In another storyline possibility, Eva is the one that tells Ted that she’s his daughter. This would stab LSD in the back and set Eva up to look like a hero. From there we would have the same DNA drama as I described in the previous paragraph.

But wait — there’s more!

Other possibilities include Kat overhearing LSD threaten to expose Ted or otherwise figuring it out on her own. Or maybe Leslie doesn’t even go rogue at the anniversary party and she decides to keep the secret a little while longer. There’s also the possibility that LSD is exposed as the person who tried to kill Laura before the paternity secret gets unleashed. She could also be deported to Assylvania for crimes against humanity.

Clearly all of these scenarios are not going to to play out. What differentiates Beyond the Gates from some of the other daytime dramas is that BTG is still a bit of a wildcard. Every storyline twist isn’t telegraphed for weeks in advance to the point that there is no dramatic payoff.

You can’t always get what you want (especially if you don’t know what you want)

I have to say, I really kinda liked Dani rejecting Chelsea’s request that she join ChelseaKat as its chief marketing officer. It serves Chelsea right. She was so against the idea of having her mom involved that she hesitated, hemmed and hawed, and otherwise delayed asking Dani to join the team.

I do understand that Chelsea wanted to fly free and untethered to her mom for the first time in her life. I also get that Chelsea probably worried that her mom would suck the air out of everything by seizing control and ordering everyone around.

It wasn’t until Chelsea realized that her mom could actually help grow the brand that she started to sing a different tune. That felt a little ick to me. Also ick was the supposedly social media and business savvy Chelsea not seeing sooner Dani’s value to the fledgling business.

That said, the scenes where Dani turned down Chelsea’s request were good family drama. Chelsea was so sure that her mom would jump at the opportunity — but she didn’t. Dani bringing up how Chelsea had made it clear that she no longer wanted them to work together was another dagger in the heart. It will be interesting to see how this impacts ChelseaKat moving forward. Will a big client pass on a partnership because Dani isn’t involved?

It’s all about agency

I have no idea how this Dupree-Curtis Agency is going to do. If the publicity photos are any indication… well, let’s just hope that they are not an indication. Interestingly, Pamela seemed to step back from her ladies who lunch demeanor that we saw in the previous week. The women could impose an Ass Tax of their own, but it would be an entirely different type of tax!

Beyond the Gates Speed Round

Here are some rapid fire thoughts on other action from the week gone by.

Let’s take a quiz

While I still find Derek and Ashley boring, Ashley’s little magazine quiz was kind of cute.

Word is out

Speaking of relationships (or situationships), I find myself wondering who will be the first to find out that Dani and Andre are playing hide the roll of film. I honestly thought Dani and Pamela would accidentally scroll through Andre’s photos and see the racy photos Dani took of Andre.

Karaoke Uncut

We learned that there were even more karaoke performances, but sadly those didn’t make the airwaves. I wish they had filmed snippets of these unseen performances for some sort of web exclusive content. I don’t ask for much — just 30 seconds or so.

Samantha the matchmaker

Samantha living vicariously through Tyrell’s maybe-dating life is fun. I am an only child, so I have never gotten to experience the good, bad, and ugly of having a sibling. So for now, I will enjoy watching never-been-on-a-date Samantha offering up dating advice. What could possibly go wrong?!

I’ve seen some social media speculation that Jessica might be playing Tyrell. I sure hope not.

Shaking, not stirred

I wonder what’s going on with Bill’s shaking hand. Is it stress related? Could it be signs of Parkinson’s?

That’s all that I have for this week in Dupreeville. “May Sweeps” starts next week, which isn’t so much a thing any more… but I do suspect that a lot of the big stories are going to pop off.

I’ll continue to share my thoughts on Beyond the Gates as long as you’re interested in reading them. Thank you for reading and, as always, please feel free to share your thoughts on my column or Beyond the Gates in the Comments section below.

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Life outside the gates

My former Two Scoops columnists Liz Masters and Tamilu have joined me here on my personal web site — and they are still writing about General Hospital. Check out Liz’s latest GH column, The devil we know.

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