My View From Beyond the Gates: Keeping Score of Poor Life Choices

Keeping Score of Poor Life Choices: A Beyond the Gates commentary by Soap Central founder Dan J Kroll for the week ending October 24, 2025.

I will admit that I wanted to call this week’s column, “Where Do Broken Hards Go?” But at the risk of upsetting the Whitney Houston estate and Google’s naughty language filters, I decided to pivot. A backup choice, “Broken Hearts and Broken Penises,” was also rejected for similar reasons.

There wasn’t a lot of major plot advancement this past week on Beyond the Gates, which I assume is mostly because we are inching closer to November. Typically November, February, and May are months that have the buzziest developments on the soaps.

Still, there was a drunken outburst, mystery men, love (in an elevator) in the afternoon, attempted murder, and… something else. What was it? Oh, right! It was…

Katlock and the Curious Case of the Broken Penis

While it wasn’t anything that shifted story, Kat and Tomás’ romantic mishap was really the gift that kept on giving. It sort of gave the other stories the shaft. It might have gotten a rise out of some viewers, but I hope they didn’t go off half-cocked on the story because I found it amusing. I’d say this story is a rock-solid member of the funniest storylines of all-time club. As punishment for all these silly puns I should probably be sent off to a penal colony somewhere.

Ahem. Anyway.

Katherine Richardson isn’t the first woman to break a man’s penis. She won’t be the last.

For a plot point that will probably be little more than a blip in the history of Beyond the Gates, Kat and Tomás’ sex accident (sexident?) was one of the funniest, most risqué things to ever grace a soap opera. To be fair, when Shanice asked Kat about the nature of Tomás’ injury, I wasn’t even sure that they were going to say the word “penis.” So once “penis” came out of Kat’s mouth, I knew we needed to strap in and get ready for a, um, bumpy ride.

I’ve seen a similar story told on – you guessed it! – Grey’s Anatomy, and interestingly enough, it, too, was also treated with a great deal of levity.

What made the situation funnier to me was that the accident found life outside of the hospital. That all came thanks to Martin encountering Kat at the hospital. When a panicked Kat asked her brother, “Have you ever broken Smitty’s penis?” I laughed and laughed and laughed and then laughed some more. I also rewound at least a few times to rewatch it.

How funny is it that the first test for Martin’s not-keeping-any-secrets-from-my-husband pledge was about Tomás’ member mishap? After Martin shared the news, the married couple tried to segue to some sexytimes of their own. That led to what is now my leading contender for line of the year: Martin saying, “I have broken penises dancing in my head.” I wonder what song they’d dance to. Probably something from the Nutcracker Suite.

Andre the Shy-ant

I’ve been a fan of Andre since he breezed onto the scene back in February. I’ve always bought into the narrative that he was some playboy celebrity photographer and have never once believed that he’s been up to anything nefarious. Since he’s inherited a boatload of money from his parents’ death, I’ve never had any reason to think that he is some sort of male version of Hayley.

That said, I’ve started to question if I’ve misjudged Andre. According to Bill’s private investigator Keegan, Andre dramatically changed his live out loud ways about a year ago. He’s avoided having his picture taken and seems to have adopted a much lower profile. But why?

I refuse to believe that Andre is one of the bad guys – we already have a canvas full of questionable characters. (I’m looking at you, LSD, Hayley, and Joey!) The only other option, I guess, is that Andre is a good guy. I wonder if Andre captured some sort of criminal activity in one of his photographs.

If you recall, the show made a bunch of mentions about how odd it was that Andre wanted to stay in one place. While it might be weird that he wanted to settle down, I don’t think there’s anything strange about choosing to settle down in a major metropolitan area. It’s not like Andre decided to set up shop in Bismarck.

If Andre is trying to hide from someone, it would make sense that he wouldn’t want to be the face of a huge ad campaign for Forrester Creations. On the other hand, Andre didn’t flip out of his drunken Vegas photo going viral.

If Andre isn’t hiding, then I struggle to think of why he would reject being in a high-profile ad campaign with his wife. Is he already married to someone else? A less likely scenario would be that Andre isn’t the real Andre – he’s a look-alike. That doesn’t strike me as something that Beyond the Gates would seemingly want to tackle.

Not-Yet-Married to the Mob

I know that Beyond the Gates is a soap opera and that happiness is rarely everlasting on the soaps, but I don’t think Vanessa wanting to be Joey’s “partner in every way” is going to end well for her.

I am trying to figure out why she is so hellbent on leveling up her relationship with Joey. Part of me thinks that she feels she has to move forward with Joey to rationalize her behavior toward Doug in his final days. If she were to break things off with Joey, it would heighten the feelings of pain and guilt she has for not being there for Doug when he allegedly got behind the wheel drunker than a skunk. A relationship with Joey absolves her, at least in her mind, of any wrongdoing. That’s why she is determined to make her situationship with Joey as real as possible.

What’s interesting here is that… wait. Do you hear something? Is it…? IT IS! 🚨 It’s the hypocrite alarm!!! 🚨

For as much as I know that Vanessa is setting herself up for heartbreak, there is a part of me that really wants to see Lauren Buglioli (Vanessa McBride) get to play a mob princess. Her transformation from ditzy real estate agent to ruthless mobster would be absolutely epic. In the twisted fantasy I have crafted in my mind, Vanessa goes on to love the power that comes with being at Joey’s side. She loves it so much that she eventually realizes that she doesn’t need Joey… and Joey ends up in a ditch or at the bottom of the Potomac wearing cement shoes.

Beyond the Gates Speed Round

Here are some of the other things on Beyond the Gates that have me thinking.

Drop It Like It’s Hot

Hayley is getting a little sloppy with her plot to kill Bill. Randy advised her to slowly dose Bill with whatever poison she’s using. And her first bit of tainted love saw her using a single drop of the potion. As her frustration grew, Hayley decided to move at warp speed and started using a whole lot of drops.

She’s also getting careless with her lies. She got caught three times lying about Caroline needing a file. Now Hayley is calling Caroline all sorts of names. Caroline isn’t dumb, so I am surprised that she hasn’t caught on to her BFF Hayley’s weird behavior. Or maybe she has and we just haven’t seen in on-screen. Is there a chance that Hayley might have to “handle” Caroline?

In the previews for next week – and this is not a spoiler so you can continue reading without fear of getting spoiled – Leslie again makes a pitch that she and Hayley should work together. Leslie might regret opening her mouth if Hayley ends up learning about how much money LSD (that’s Leslie/Sherry/Dana for new readers) has in her trust.

Serving Up the Truth

June has said a lot of outlandish things since we’ve first met her, but she finally spoke her truest truth: tomato on a grilled cheese is a crime against humanity.

I’ve come to enjoy June. I am not sure if I like how quickly she was insinuated back into Tyrell and Samantha’s lives, but I am glad that she is still respectful of the relationship that the kids have with their fathers. I had some momentary worry that June was going to try to yank them away from Martin and Smitty.

Speaking of the Richardson-Smith family… there was a lot of finger wagging and writer backlash last week that Eva was not invited to Martin and Smitty’s impromptu vow renewal. Well, gun jumpers, it was not an oversight or sloppy writing. The show addressed Eva’s absence this week by saying that Smitty was in charge of the invitations… and Smitty is not a fan of Eva.

Detective Buzzkill Strikes Again

One of the most real storylines on the soaps at the moment is Naomi and Jacob’s baby-related marital strife. It’s something that isn’t really talked about on daytime much – and when it is, it’s typically the man in the relationship not wanting kids or being “trapped” in a relationship by a pregnancy. What makes it more fascinating to watch is that Jacob and Naomi agreed to not have any kids before they got married. I think that’s more believable than having a couple randomly confront the topic after being together for years and for us to be forced to believe that they’d never discussed the matter before.

Izaiah with a Z

Izaiah’s arrival in town sure has been eventful. He’s managed to break two pens (Take that, Kat!), flirt, and have a family reunion all in the course of a couple of episodes. I wish I had avoided the casting spoiler about who he was (or that the casting spoiler didn’t reveal who he was) because it would have been fun to try to figure it out on my own.

Some quick first impressions. David Lami Friebe is fun to look at and the idea of Izaiah (a name that my autocorrect absolutely hates) and Eva as a couple is kind of fire. Friebe has a lot of the newcomer exuberance, so I look forward to seeing what happens when he settles into the role.

LSD Overdose

For as much as I love Leslie, I am afraid that she’s becoming… a bit much. LSD is edging away from good soap villain and becoming more of a cartoon character. I think some of it might be the choices made in the delivery of lines.

I know that if Freud were alive, he’d script a 5-part true crime Hulu series about Leslie, but since he’s not… we’re all left to mull over why she is the way she is on our own.

There are obvious abandonment issues at play, but you think that LSD would at least be nice to the woman who raised her. But I feel as if Peaches’ light shines a little less brightly now that she knows who her biological mom is and why she was given up. It’s like a grown-up version of what Samantha is going through.

Also, where exactly is Leslie’s new house? It was said to be across the street from the Dupree home, so why does it seem like her construction crews are on all sides of the Dupree house?

Bold Barbara and Beyond

I really enjoyed seeing Dani and Joey banter and bet at Orphey Gene’s. Despite them both having lengthy runs in daytime, this was the first meaningful scene between Karla Mosley and Jon Lindstrom. I really, really liked it.

** Mosley got her start on Guiding Light in 2008 and also had a stop on The Bold and the Beautiful. Lindstrom made his daytime debut on Santa Barbara in 1985 and has had stops on General Hospital, Port Charles, and As the World Turns.

It was also fun to have Ridge Forrester and Dani talk on the phone. Thorsten Kaye and Karla Mosley shared many a scene when Karla was playing Maya Avant on B&B.

Doctor Strangelove

I understand Madison being annoyed at her mother’s “woo-woo” ways. (Chelsea and) I find it amusing, but it’s easier to be amused when it’s not your mother putting her trust in tarot cards and moon water. I do think it’s definitely over the line for Willow, Madison’s mom, to claim that Madison cosigns with some of her “out there” beliefs – especially if it threatens to compromise her career. That said, I will admit that I choose my doctors based on their willingness to use holistic and natural approaches in addition to the more traditional medicine methods.

Why would Chelsea ask her followers for their opinion if she had no intention of listening to what a whopping 71% of those followers had to say? I don’t see anything good coming from Chelsea reaching out to Ms. Willow Moonwater Montgomery.

Livin’ It Up When I’m Going Down

Anita and Vernon cavorting like a bunch of horny teenagers was some sort of weird funny/TMI hybrid. I shifted nervously on the sofa when Vernon cooed, “Because after all these years, a jealous Anita Dupree is the biggest turn on I know.” Seconds later I was laughing because Anita clarified that she wasn’t jealous. “This is my annoyed face. Can’t you tell?” she asked.

Honestly, it would have been hilarious to have had someone walk in on them getting frisky in the elevator.

The Name Game

I love that the dean of Banneker is named “Dean Dansby.” I assume that is a nod to television writer and director Susan Dansby, who currently serves as a script editor on Beyond the Gates. It’s at least the third wink at the fourth wall. If you recall, the author that Tomás and Eva both love is Carl Ivati, a nod to writer Ron Carlivati. And, of course, Orphey Gene’s was named in honor of series creator Michele Val Jean’s mom.

Lines of the Week

The Beyond the Gates writing team seems to be having a little too much fun. Here are some of the lines of dialogue that tickled my funny bone or that I found memorable over the past week (and haven’t already mentioned in this column).

“Is there ever a right time to break someone’s penis?” — Kat

“You break it, you bought it” — Tomás to Kat as he somehow found humor in his erectile mishap.

“Get me out of here before I make the evening news.” — Dani to hubby Andre when she spotted Leslie sitting across the dining room at the country club.

“This bizarre dalliance qualifies as a five-alarm fire of poor judgement.” — Dani describing to Joey his relationship with Vanessa.

“Your much-ness is who you are.” — Parental wisdom from June.

“Your righteousness settings are maxed out. Take the cape off, Superman.” — Derek to Jacob, sounding like some Gen-Z gamer.

“I have broken penises dancing in my head.” — Martin, and yes, this is the first time a quote has appeared twice in my column. It’s just so funny that I had to include it again.

Follow my Random Acts of Dan

That’s all I have for this week’s My View From Beyond the Gates column. Thank you for reading and, as always, please feel free to share your thoughts on my column or Beyond the Gates in the Comments section below.

If you’ve enjoyed my column this week and want to see what I have written about Beyond the Gates in previous weeks, you can check those out in the My View From Beyond the Gates archive.

Have a penchant for gardening, interior design, or fixing up old houses? Check out my Manor Makeover series where I write about all of the things I’ve been up to here at Kroll Manor in Allentown, PA, over the past decade.

To keep up with all of the shenanigans I engage in on social media, please consider giving my a follow on Bluesky, Instagram, Threads, Facebook, and TwitterX.

Life outside the gates

Two of my former Two Scoops columnists from Soap Central, Liz Masters and Tamilu, have joined me here on my personal web site — and they are still writing about General Hospital. Tamilu is on deck with week with a new column called, My heroes have always been cowboys.

To read more thoughts, opinions, rants, and raves about daytime television, be sure to check out our Editorial section.

dan