My View From Beyond the Gates: Bill and Ted’s Sexcellent Adventure

You learn when you learn. It sounds like something on a slip of paper in a fortune cookie — or maybe advice from a therapist. Whatever it is, it’s what Nicole is now having to deal with as she joins Dani in realizing she was married to a member of the brotherhood of the wandering penis.

I was really, really torn this week, Beyond the Gates fans. Not about the show, but what I wanted to title this column. I  was absolutely convinced that it was going to be “Some kind of demented Yoda,” but I wasn’t sure that the folks at Disney would allow me to Yoda-fy the lovely Leslie/Sherry/Dana (LSD for short). So I went with my second choice: Bill and Ted’s Sexcellent Adventure.

If you think about it, Bill and Ted’s inability to keep their mythical, magical manhood in their pants has driven a whole bunch of Beyond the Gates story. In fact, these two men have done so much for plot that I think that we should erect a statue to them.

It wasn’t until Anastasia (and there will be more on her later) sidled up to Dani, Nicole, and Vanessa at the country club that it really hit home that both Dupree daughters have been penised over by the men in their lives. I’d still argue that what Bill did to Dani was worse than what Ted did to Nicole, but I suppose that’s totally up for debate.

Spread the wealth around

Before Beyond the Gates launched, much was made about the vast number of sets that had been created and the sizeable cast of actors that would be a part of the show. Based on recent experiences with soaps with big casts, I think a lot of soap fans assumed that we’d see the same three or four characters over and over and over and, if we were lucky, get to see some of the others every third Wednesday.

That hasn’t been the case. More than that, though, the creatives of the show have done a really good job of giving nearly every character (and their portrayer) time to shine. Take for example Mona, played by actress Karan Kendrick. Mona hasn’t had a whole lot of story to this point. She’s very much been a supporting character.

But that all changed when on the May 12 episode, she delivered what may have been one of the most unexpected burns since the last new soap premiered back in 1999. In Joey’s casino, which I still have many questions about, Mona confronted Eva about the younger woman’s part in Leslie’s plot to take down Ted and Nicole.

Eva mentioned that her entire life had fallen apart. In that moment, Mona reached out her hand and gently placed it on Eva’s wrist. “Good,” she responded in her best church lady voice. Ooh, as the kids say, the scream I scrumpt. Unless something crazy happens in the next seven months, that will probably be one of my absolute favorite moments of the entire year in soaps.

At the junction… petticoat junction

I am by no means a fashionista. Occasionally, I put together some clothes that make me look presentable. Other times, I am in overalls pulling weeds in my garden. That said… I have no idea what Eva was wearing for her father/daughter outing at the country club. She looked like she was ready to march in the Easter parade.

Side note: The minute that Dani told Nicole that she was going to take her out, I knew that she was going to end up at the country club.

What I think is incredibly fascinating is the setup of a dynamic where the Dupree women are anti-Eva and the Dupree men are supportive of her. As my former soap world colleague Mala said on TwitterX, “The Duprees are definitely drawing battle lines with each other over Eva, and I like that. Since we don’t have a rival family onscreen yet, we need conflict within this family to keep things interesting.”

I hadn’t actually thought about it, but there are no rival families yet on Beyond the Gates. There is no Chandler versus Cortlandt. No Abbott versus Newman. The rivals are actually individuals who have chosen to go up against the Dupree family. People like, obviously, LSD and, to a lesser degree, Bill Hamilton.

A Dupree family feud?

But I digress. The idea of there being internal friction in the Dupree fold over how they interact with Eva is kind of fascinating to me. I thought it was an incredibly sweet gesture, if not incredibly out of character, for Martin to invite Eva over for pizza night. Either the writers have decided to dial back his assiness a bit or… maybe Martin isn’t as much of a jerk as I believe him to be.

If we do the math, we have Anita, Dani, Kat, and Nicole all against Eva. Martin and Ted are seemingly in favor of getting to know her. Tyrell and Samantha are also on TeamEva at the moment. That might leave Vernon as the vote that decides who gets voted off the island.

Serenity now!

Confession time: Did anyone else question whether or not Eva was actually a hairstylist? I was worried that she might not be good, but it turns out… she might actually be better than I though. Maybe we’ll see her at the Bronner Bros. show in the months and years ahead.

I was absolutely tickled by how quickly Samantha’s stank attitude about Eva turned around when her new aunt started fixing her up with different hairstyles. Second confession time: Because I was convinced that Eva didn’t know what she was doing, I was 100% convinced that she was going to lop off more of Samantha’s hair than intended.

Here is another of my grumbles about product placement. No, it’s not the weird way that Samantha carried in the bottle of Tide on pizza night. P&G has a line of hair care products called My Black Is Beautiful. Why wouldn’t they have shown some of those products when Eva was working her magic on Samantha? If they were worried about it being too targeted, they could have had some Aussie haircare products in the mix. I am just perplexed why some of these low hanging fruit product placement opportunities are being missed.

Know when to ho… fo… you know what, just don’t ever play cards

We already know that Doug shouldn’t be playing poker, but Dani might also want to stay away from the table. I am wildly perplexed by her reaction to Nicole’s seemingly innocent question, “What is going on between you and Andre?”

Rather than replying with a question like, oh, I don’t know, “What do you mean?” Or a simple deflective, “Nothing. Why?” Dani practically screamed at the top of her lungs, “WE ARE NOT HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!” Um… I don’t think that Nicole was implying that, Dani. But maybe I am wrong.

Fast forward six minutes later and Dani and Andre are… wait for it… having sexual intercourse. Sometimes it’s just the power of suggestion, amirite?

But back in time at Nicole’s, I just don’t get Dani’s reaction. Maybe that would have been the perfect time to come clean, though. If Nicole was insinuating that Dani and Andre might be doing a little somethin’ somethin’, she certainly didn’t seem upset by the idea. Maybe having secret sex makes her situationship with Andre hotter?

In a funny twist, as I was typing up my column, they actually had Dani go into a casino and play cards. Granted, it was blackjack and no poker face was required, but the coincidence amused me. I was also kind of tickled by Dani and Pamela’s shenanigans. It reminded me, in some ways, of when my friend Pam (yes, really) and I would go to Atlantic City. I’m amazed we were never carted off or banned because of our silliness.

HOT QUOTE: Dani cooing, “What took you so long to wind up in my bed?” That was hot-hittity-hot.

Less turtle, more neck

Well, the first recast on Beyond the Gates is here. If you’re a regular reader of this column, you’ll know that I am currently watching the show with someone who has no previous soap opera viewing experience. Again, this person’s identity will be kept a closely guarded secret so as to shield them from the world of regular soap watchers.

It was hilarious to watch their face when the “The role of Ted Richardson…” voiceover came on. I’d keep quiet about the role being recast because I wanted to see how someone would react to a new actor popping up on screen. Josh Duhamel doesn’t just take over for Tom Cruise in the middle of Mission Impossible, so this was a totally new experience.

“What happened to Ted?” “Who is this?”No one knows why the role of Ted was recast and it might not be any of our business. There has been no official comment and Maurice Johnson has still been actively promoting Beyond the Gates on social media, so… until there is I am going to assume that there is no ill-will on anyone’s part. I will admit that I miss him more than I thought I would.

Hey there, New Ted!

Welcome to Fairmont Crest, Keith D. Robinson. The actor had to hit the ground running because he had some pretty emotional scenes with his new, on-screen family right in his first episode. It was weird seeing Kat open up to a man that was not her father. Obviously, he was, but it… took a little longer for me to get the feels because Ted was now a stranger to me.

That said, Robinson was a good choice to take over the role. He is an experienced actor and I look forward to seeing how he adjusts to the crazy work schedule of soap operas.

Did anyone else notice that the new Ted was wearing a decidedly un-turtlenecked sweater? Was there some sort of non-compete turtleneck clause in Maurice Johnson’s contract? Was he providing his own wardrobe that… just happened to include a lot of turtlenecks? Did he leave in a fit of rage and take scissors to all of the turtleneck parts of the sweaters in the wardrobe department?

Two is enough

I am still not sure how I feel about the Derek and Ashley storyline. A lot of the reasons for my ambivalence are hypocritical. For example, I like for there to be levity in my soap operas. Too much doom and gloom doesn’t make for a fun watching experience. But I feel like the Derek and Ashley story is more suited for a sitcom environment. See? I contradict myself.

The concept of exploring two people living together for the first time is interesting. I’m glad that the writers are showing the highs and lows of cohabitation without it automatically leading to one of the people having an affair. That is what soaps of the past would do. Here, we have Ashley’s eyes popping out of their sockets because Derek drinks directly from the orange juice carton. We also have Ashley complaining that Derek drops his dirty clothes all over the place.

I feel bad for saying this, but I think my objections are just due to Derek. I am not a fan of the character. Not every character will be effervescent, but Derek is flatter than tap water. Not to harp on an old plot, but he was more interesting to me with temporary amnesia.

For as snoozy as I think Derek is, he did win me over by buying Ashley that plush stuffed bunny. In a world of infinite possible choices, he chose wisely.

Do as I say, not as I lech

I am not a fan of Hayley being reduced to – as we called it back in my youth – a skeezer. Yes, Hayley was introduced as a homewrecker, but it seemed to me that there was an active attempt to make her look less trollop and more independent woman.

Now, Hayley is all sex, all the time. Yes, she and Bill want to start a family, but it seems that Hayley has absolutely nothing going on in her, um, world other than Bill’s erection.

Moreover – that word makes this feel more like a legal argument – moreover, with all the hubbub about sexual harassment at Bill’s law firm, you think he’d not be dropping his legal briefs in the office. I don’t care if Bill and Hayley are married. She is still an employee and he is still the head of the practice.

Beyond the Gates Speed Round

Here are some rapid fire thoughts on other action from the week gone by.

Vernon Dupree and his blue notes

Another funny moment during the week was Vernon Dupree attempting to sing. At least, I think that’s what he was trying to do. It was funny on multiple levels. First, the idea of a really bad singer being married to a professional singer is comedy gold. Second, soaps usually wouldn’t even think to write this in to story. Third, Clifton Davis can sing – and very well, I might add. He is also a pretty awesome songwriter, having penned “Never Can Say Goodbye” for the Jackson 5.

Anastasia of Beverly Hills Fairmont Crest

Anastasia, the town gossip who has no life of her own, was absolutely hilarious. I’m sure she was only amusing to me because she hasn’t been all up in my business. When I lived in a gated community in Philadelphia, I knew way too many women who were just liked Anastasia. Despite having ample other things with which to occupy themselves, they somehow always found the time to make everyone else’s lives miserable. I hope Anastasia makes some appearances in the future… just nowhere near my home.

My favorite Anastasia zinger?  “Congratulations on your promotion from personal assistant to long-lost daughter. It’s like a real-life Cinderella story… although I doubt you’ll end up being the belle of the ball because it looks your fairy godmother dressed you like a church lady.”

Shrink rap

I love, love, love that everyone is acting as therapist — and they are giving her actual good advice. Nicole should be proud that people have been listening to and absorbing the advice she has been giving.

Lord, I was born a gamblin’ man

Doug needs to be afraid. I don’t think that Joey is the kind of man who makes idle threats. When he warned Doug that he’d break his other hand, I believed him. Things got even messier when Joey casually mentioned to Doug, “I’ve got your wife on speed dial.”

But it wasn’t all scary gangster drama. Joey is a loan shark with a sense of humor. When Doug was cut off from gambling at the casino, he asked, “How am I supposed to come up with the money if I can’t gamble?” Joey wittily replied, “You haven’t come up with it yet!” I mean, he’s not lying. As a follow-up to an earlier column, I am now thinking Doug owes Joey over a million dollars.

Cop out

Did Beyond the Gates drop the crooked cop storyline? It’s been a minute since we’ve seen anything about that. It wasn’t necessarily the most riveting story, but I was waiting for the juicy fallout of Jacob finding out that his dad was also crooked.

Listen, cupcake

Eva has done some pretty terrible things, but nothing is worse than the way she left a half-eaten cupcake on the table at the Uptown. What kind of monster doesn’t eat the whole cupcake? And it was a birthday cupcake. That borders on sociopathic behavior and I will not tolerate it.

That’s all I have for this week’s My View From Beyond the Gates column. I am currently taking bets on who we think June will be related to. There are some very interesting theories on social media. I bet we will find out in… wait for it! In June!

I’ll be tuning in and I’ll continue to share my thoughts on Beyond the Gates as long as you’re interested in reading them. Thank you for reading and, as always, please feel free to share your thoughts on my column or Beyond the Gates in the Comments section below.

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Life outside the gates

My former Two Scoops columnists Liz Masters and Tamilu have joined me here on my personal web site — and they are still writing about General Hospital. Check out Liz’s latest GH column, Sex, lies and digital footage

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