Are you feeling Lucky, punk? (General Hospital commentary)

Dear readers, if you are here and reading this General Hospital commentary, thank you for finding me! I have many fine qualities, but patience isn’t one of them. I was over the moon when I heard that Jonathan Jackson was back on GH, and I have been jonesing to see his real reunion with Liz — and not just a reunion in a fever dream. But it’s taking so long! While I always love and appreciate any General Hospital action adventure, this one has come at a snail’s pace for me, especially since many of the in-between scenes have been Deception office meetings, Sasha making quiche, and Molly and Kristina screaming at each other.

I posted this rant on Twitter, and I will post it again here for those of you who deleted your accounts (which I fully understand and respect). Why are soaps so bad at follow-through? They hype something wildly. “Steve Burton is returning to General Hospital!” “Jonathan Jackson is coming back to GH!” “Emma Samms is coming back to GH!”

Hooray! They get us all excited with anticipation! We tune in with glee and delight! And then, in this case, we watch Molly and Kristina screaming at each other for weeks and get an occasional glimpse of Lucky chained to a table.

You had our attention! Viewers who you lost in the past finally tuned back in! And then you blew it! The rollouts are too slow, and the payoffs are rarely what we anticipate. I am so happy these three actors are back on General Hospital, but we need fewer scenes with Natalia, Molly, and Kristina and more with Lucky, Jason, and Holly.

Don’t bring back your most beloved actors and hide them from us! What is the logic in that? In the old days of soaps, maybe you could draw out a storyline for months, and viewers had no choice but to wait around for the payoff because that’s all there was.

But now? There are millions of entertainment choices, and when I am not entertained, I have Netflix, Hulu, Max, Peacock, Paramount+, Amazon Prime, and many other places to find entertainment. If you are going to hype Lucky’s return, then let Lucky return! The same mistake was made with Steve Burton’s return. It took so long for him to be in a scene with Sonny that it was anti-climactic by the time it happened.

I always see the folks on soaps as main characters and side characters. I don’t want to name names, but I am convinced if I took a poll and asked GH viewers if they would rather see scenes with Lucky, Jason, Sam, Anna, Sonny, Carly, and Ava versus scenes of Natalia, Molly, Kristina, Drew and Gio, the first group of characters would win in a landslide. We have had too many “B” role storylines and not enough bang pow “A” listers lately.

One exception to this is Lucky’s friend Isaiah. I am very interested in him as a potential love match for Jordan, and I don’t mind another new character being dropped into the story if they serve a purpose. Isaiah fits the bill. He’s the one who knew Lucky and got this all in motion.

However, this week, it has started to heat up! I am delighted! But we haven’t even seen Laura and Kevin yet. What happened to them? I feel like the two of them will bring an entirely new side story, and another week (or weeks) until Laura gets to hug her son. At this rate, Lulu will be eligible for the AARP before Lucky gets home. How long can her damaged liver last?

When I saw Holly pull up as a getaway driver, it had The Princess Bride vibes in that scene when Fezzik showed up with horses for everyone. I do take objection to the fight – Holly is not stupid enough to have turned her back on Sidwell’s goons and giving them the upper hand again. But the suspension of disbelief and whatnot.

Finally, Lucky, Jason, Anna, and Holly are on a plane bound for Port Charles, and Brennan says it is safe in international air space. Do we believe him? Sidwell is not far behind them because Holly’s purse is filled with diamonds the size of golf balls. (Coincidentally, the same size they use to measure hail.) Will they make it to Port Charles before someone intercepts them? Stay tuned!

In the kiss that was heard around the world, the Internet exploded in a collective “Ew” when Jason and Anna kissed. I mean, Robin, Anna’s daughter, was Jason’s boo for a long time. In real life, Steve Burton and Finola Hughes are only ten years apart in age, but on the show, Anna is the mother of one of Jason’s classmates. To be honest, I don’t care about that at all; the age thing doesn’t bother me. But I don’t think General Hospital is toying with a romance between these two. It was merely a kiss of convenience when Jason heard the guards coming and wanted a distraction.

I’m still holding out for a Valentin and Anna reunion. I’m still hoping there was a reason Valentin did everything he did, like he was working undercover for Jack Brennan and getting a full pardon. Stranger things have happened.

One strange thing I want to stop happening is Drew creepily pursuing Willow. I’m getting very “Campus Disco” vibes from Drew. If I hear Herb Alpert’s notes chiming out, I will turn off my TV immediately. This is not sexy. If it’s supposed to be sexy, the writers have failed immensely. It’s just creepy af.

Readers, please don’t hate me, but I really want Cameron Mathison to go back to Hallmark and make some fluff Christmas movies instead of Drew tormenting everyone in Port Charles. But Drew will probably get elected as many creeps do.

I was thrilled when James told Ned what she overheard about Willow feeling guilty because she kissed Drew. Now, Ned can blackmail Drew to do his bidding. You know me; I am always Team Ned. Wally Kurth is one of my favorites, on and off-screen.

In my last column, at the site which shall not be named, my General Hospital co-scooper Liz and I were at odds on the Team Molly vs. Team Kristina war. I have seen the light. I have switched sides. I am now firmly on Team No One because I have concluded that they are both awful.

Molly turns her sister into the police for murder, and Kristina keeps stirring the pot and making things worse despite everyone begging her to stop. I hope they realize they need spiritual healing, join the updated Dawn of Day and go live in some cult commune so I never have to see them again. They don’t deserve Alexis.

TJ is the most sympathetic character in this storyline, and I would love to see him paired up with someone fresh who is very fertile and wants to have lots of babies. He has already lost two babies, and I want him to get his heart’s desire.

Do you know who deserves Alexis? Sam. I am taking issue with ABC letting go of Kelly Monaco. Of all the Davis sisters, Sam McCall is the least expendable. I’d rather ABC cut Molly, Kristina, Drew, and Natalia to keep Sam. Sam has this long, rich history on General Hospital — with Sonny, Jason, Dante, Carly, Alexis, Spinelli, and Dante, not to mention her kids — and she’s been a part of many significant storylines through the years! The thought of Sam’s stupid, whiny sisters staying in Port Charles while Sam dies is infuriating to me.

I have heard rumors that Jason will leave his world of danger behind when Sam dies so that he can raise Danny. I hope this rumor is true because Steve Burton and Asher Jared Antonyzyn have such magnificent chemistry. I could watch an entire sitcom based on Jason and Danny. But will Sonny let Jason go? I guess that depends on whether or not Sonny is in prison for shooting Jagger.

Readers, seeing Alexis in prison with Heather Webber as a cellmate is high comedy. When the cell door opened and Heather walked in, Nancy Lee Grahn’s face was priceless. I think this is leading to Alexis being subpoenaed to testify on Heather’s behalf that she has noticed a distinct change in Heather while they were locked up together.

We know that Portia switched the lab tests while she hypocritically berated Terry for hiring Brad back at General Hospital for doing the exact same thing. I hope Brad discovers Portia’s fraud and turns her in; it would be poetic justice.

I would like to give a shout-out to the beautiful Kristina Wagner for her beautiful scenes with Kristina this week in Felicia’s role as GH patient advocate. I wasn’t too keen on Felicia’s career change at first, but it’s grown on me due to Ms. Wagner’s beautiful portrayal of a caring advocate. Felicia is someone we would all like to have in our corner during life’s crises and medical emergencies. Ms. Wagner brings heart to this role, and I want to shine a light on her beautiful face for her excellent work.

I also love the budding friendship between Tracy and Stella. Their sisterhood of grief and understanding is unfolding beautifully. Jane Elliot is always perfect to me. I never tire of seeing her on my screen and Vernee Watson as her counterpart Stella Henry are bringing something truly touching to the GH canvas. More please.

Next up, accents. Martin Grey had that Foghorn Leghorn accent down pat, but the accent has been gone since he returned. Across town at the Q household, Tracy hired a dialect coach for Lois to remove Lois’ Brooklyn accent. Despite Olivia and Ned revolting, Lois speaks most days without her accent. Do the new writers have issues with accents? It seems odd that two characters known for their distinct way of speaking would lose their accents in the same two-week span of time. I’m not saying it’s a giant conspiracy, but it does seem odd, does it not? At least we still have Holly and Robert with their accents. (For now.)

But the more things change, the more they stay the same. Readers, it appears we are on the path to another Carly and Sonny reunion. If this reunion gets rid of Natalia, that would be great. But I have one sticking point: I like Carly and Brennan’s vibe, too. He’s her most interesting love match since Jax. I miss Jax. I was so disheartened to discover that Ingo Rademacher wasn’t the nice guy I once thought he was. Who was the new Natasha Badenov imposter today named Collette? Where did she come from?

As soon as Diane told Carly that she and Sonny needed to fall in love again, it felt like it was definitely going to happen. They will put themselves in close proximity again. They will start reminiscing. They will remember why they fell in love. The old feelings will be rekindled. They will work through the hurt Sonny caused when he slept with Nina after Nixon Falls. Joss will hyperventilate when she realizes her mom is truly going back to Sonny again. That’s my best guess, anyway.

It makes sense. Have you ever run into an ex and caught a glimpse of the reason you once loved them? I still love everyone I have ever loved. Even the ones who hurt me. Our life story is comprised of many chapters, some sad and some happy. But every page is part of the tapestry that has been woven into a life. I can’t regret any of the stories I experienced along the way. I used to tour in a traveling theatre company, and every season, when I got on that bus for six months, I inevitably fell for one of my fellow actors. All of those seasonal romances ended spectacularly badly, but I regret NOTHING.

Carly and Sonny have been together and apart so many times. They have had other partners and lovers in between, but we can’t deny what they mean to one another and everything they have gone through over the years. But as soon as Carly left the table from their very lame fake date, Sonny started hitting on Natalia again. If he ends up in prison because he can’t keep it in his pants and keep up his murder alibi, I will have no sympathy for him.

Another shout-out to the Holly/Anna scenes. Finola Hughes and Emma Samms talking about Robert and their history with him and with each other was so unexpected and meaningful. To have Anna admit that Robert was at his happiest with Holly was huge for longtime viewers such as myself. I hope this is paving the way for a Robert/Holly reunion. Sorry, Diane. We all know you belong with Max anyway. (P.S. Bring back Max and Milo!)

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers?

Will Jason need to wear a tux again, and will the James Bond team notice, because he’d be great. Will Martin have a real grown-up romance with fellow legal eagle Alexis now that he has kicked Lucy to the curb? Will Sasha tire of fighting with Tracy over quiche and beg for her job at Deception back? Will Mac hire Cody to be a consultant with the PCPD? Will Joss go back to med school or become “Server of the Month” at Bobbie’s? Will anyone ever explain why Natalia is still on my TV and why TPTB are trying to force a Sonny/Natalia romance with no sizzle? Will anyone say, “Hey, this Brown Dog bar reminds me a lot of Jakes!”? Will I regret the fact that I am starting to believe Cyrus Renault has actually changed? Will anyone explain the weird filming angles on GH this week where they are filming upward from the ankle like they are lying on the ground to shoot? Is this a new thing I am not cool enough to know about? Will Sidwell’s stolen diamonds somehow tie into the missing Ice Princess diamond?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows. – Tamilu